Well I have a list of good things that has happened:
1) My term papers have been sent off. Just need to write my dissertation, which is due in in September
2) I go back to work on Monday, after 5 weeks off. And will be there until September
3) Chris proposed!!! We’re getting married!!! I can’t believe it! This is how it happened:
We went out for breakfast this morning, then for a walk along the beach by Shoreham Harbour and he stopped and asked me if I wanted a present, I said yes, he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him, to which I said yes! We’re looking to marry in September!

All of this has made me soooo excited!

Bored & Fed Up

Haha story of my life at the moment. Just sitting around…waiting…
I still dunno what I will be doing for the rest of the year. Now my contact time at university has finished I need a full time job. Of course that is easier said than done considering I haven’t ventured back to work yet. I know I’m on holiday now instead of off sick, but I dunno if I’m ready for work. The idea scares me….And I’m waiting for other stuff too (I am trying to be patient…!), it is just hard.
I’ve been feeling so depressed recently too. Maybe it is because I’m a touch bored, but I just feel low, unhappy…just pants generally. I could happily sleep my time away – hiding in bed, sounds wonderful.
Although not sure I would sleep, I don’t appear to at night. I woke up every two hours last night, each time following a nightmare. This sucks. I’m amazed I haven’t slept this afternoon. I can’t believe I’ve gone back to being an insomniac. At some point soon I will just crash.
Urgh I just feel so crap. I could cry….

Signed Off Again

Yep, can you believe it? I’m off sick again for two weeks. Hopefully that will be long enough to get better. I should use the time to get on with university work really – however I have spent the time reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer – so good!
I’m having nightmares again I don’t know why. Lack of sleep isn’t making me feel good. My head is throbbing continuously. Oh, and the doctor told me the outbreak on my hand is eczema, yippee.
The panic disorder, lack of sleep and continual feeling rough is making me feel quite low. I could have cried for hours yesterday, and am not feeling much better today. Urgh I just want to get better. I want Chris to be here too, to look after me.

Cold

OK, I am freezing. I cannot believe just how cold it is! Although it has been snowing, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m sat in the study trying to work – I chose this room as it has the least amount of distractions, and it is probably the coldest room in the house. Mind you, does mean I won’t fall asleep.

Was my birthday on Saturday – turned 22! Crazy. I do not feel that old! Chris’ family came across and we went to Brighton Marina and had a nice lunch. Didn’t do anything with my family. None of my brothers came home and Dad was at work. In fact, I am cross with my brothers – not one of them has sent me a card or a present. Grr. Makes me angry as they would go mad if they didn’t receive a present or if their wives didn’t.

I no longer work Wednesdays! Yay! That is a relief, means I won’t have the stress of having to get from university to work. I haven’t done much uni work this week – had no concentration to think of. Although it hasn’t helped that I couldn’t get the books I needed out of the library. Aw well, I will be in early tomorrow so can do some reading then. At the minute I will have to make do with Google! Am researching about Booker T. Washington and black segregation in America at the moment

Got work later – not motivated at all! Probably because I think it is egg sandwiches tonight – yuck! The poor residents. Well if they want it :-S I don’t understand why they would but hey ho! Need Chris to let me know how I am getting home from work later too – although trains are running many are cancelled and most are delayed. Just need him to text/email me. I am hoping he will come and get me!

Oh, and I hate the bank. Nearly crying but never mind.

Off Sick

First sick day in ages, but I woke up with a horrid migraine, tried to sleep it off but it just got worse, and tablets weren’t helping so I had to call in sick. My parents will not be happy. I sometimes think they think I like being off sick, and I don’t. I do actually enjoy my job, it is just I seem to be prone to illness. Chris came to get me and I’m currently feeling a bit sorry for myself at his.

Had a lovely weekend though. I met up with Katie on Saturday We went to some farm and had lunch. I’ve forgotten how much I love spending time with her. I plan to make several trips up to Leeds to see her! Did hear about one friend who is unhappy with me because I’m often to busy to meet up when she is free, but you can’t please everyone, and if she wants to sulk, let her. I just think it is a bit rude that we were suppose to be close friends and she didn’t tell me that she is moving away too.

University starts up again this week. I’ve just edited some of my work so hopefully Dad will be able to read them tonight. They aren’t due in until next week but I would like to hand them in when I go in Wednesday.

I have the doctor’s on Friday morning. As my panic hasn’t been too bad recently I’m hoping that they will reduce my tablets. God has been so good to me, healing me, now I just hope I can get off the medication. That would be such a huge step as I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I will continue to pray for healing and the end of my medication.

Another Cold Day

My goodness when will we get some warm weather? I cannot be coping with this cold! I’m fair too delicate!

Yesterday was a bad day for me. There is someone at work who makes me feel inferior and not very good at my job, and although I don’t think she means too, she upsets me. Well she was on the ball yesterday. However, I think I was over-sensitive because I had had my first panic attack in weeks and done a lot of crying. I was in a fair old bad mood by the time the evening came. And poor old Chris bore the brunt of it – sorry Chrisy. Yet, we did go out to small group where we had a meal and fellowship and well, God is good, He puts friends around us and places us in happy situations and digs us out of the holes we have fallen in. It was a lovely night.

Today has been much better – although I fell asleep again during the day. This is not good. I’m just tired all the time. But today has been my day off and I’ve spent it doing a few jobs for Mum and reading and learning about God. Good way to spend a day I think I feel so peaceful today – thank you Jesus. Here is praying that I will feel this good tomorrow when I’m working!

Date-night tonight! Dunno what we are doing, but I’m looking forward to spending time with Chris I’m so lucky to be with him, I love him a lot. I can’t wait to hang out with him.

Sad news – Katie is going to Leeds She will be even further away, I already miss her and she only lives the other end of the county. What am I going to do with you so far away? I’m so pleased you got the training job though! I hope you have an awesome time. I love you girl, you are one of my best friends. Thanks for everything you do for me *hugs* Can’t wait to see you Saturday

After Christmas

Christmas was a good time – for the most part. It was lovely spending time with the family and getting presents However I didn’t get any books Aw well, I quickly sorted that out and ordered a couple for myself! The downside of Christmas was the death at work. Katie, one of our favourite residents passed away suddenly in her sleep. We all had a good cry and she will be dearly missed. There was another death yesterday too, it is so sad.

My panic attacks are getting better Yay! My headaches are easing, although still present. Problem now is I feel so depressed a lot of the time. There is no reason for it I know, but that doesn’t make it better. Hiding in bed all the time would be fun but it won’t help, so I’m up, listening to an audiobook and getting on with university work. Going to work later too. Chris is making me walk to the station but the exercise will do me good and it is sunny

Well, must get back to me dissertation proposal. Only 700 words to go Hehe!

Studying

At least, that is what I should be doing! I’m just taking a quick break before I type up more notes. Popped into university this morning, now have my term paper title, just need to research and write it. I do have until about the 12th of January though, so at the moment I’m reading for a reflective essay. Yep, I have a lot to do.
Am on new medication, which seems to be working, yipee! However, it does give me constant headaches, and migraines some days, but I’m trying not to let them bug me. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple of weeks though, which I am so happy about. I’m still fighting the depression though. Yesterday I was down all day, all I wanted to do was sleep or cuddle. I didn’t get to church or to see Lianne, but we did make it down to the Harbour to see a couple of ships. Problem I am having at the moment is I can’t stop biting my mouth, it is bleeding and hurts but I can’t stop. I don’t even know what is causing me to bite
It’s nearly Christmas! Yay! Just need to wrap my pressies and write the cards!
Work is great I love my job!! Making suppers for the old people is a fairly simple job, the people I work with are lovely and the residents themselves are very nice (well, most of them!). They can be naughty too, which is so funny! I love it! This was definitely a good move for me.
Right, must get back to work.

Bored

It is Saturday evening and I am bored. This is the worst state for me to be in because I get restless and start thinking and end up feeling crap, just like I do now. Must find something to do. Haven’t been well since I started the new tablets. Hopefully I will settle down on them soon but I feel sick, light-headed and have had an upset stomach. And of course, panic attacks on top of that. I haven’t managed anything this week, not uni, not the museum and not work. It sucks, and it makes me feel worse thinking about it. Kinda feel like a loser that I can’t even manage these things.

I’m a bit disappointed in my friend too. I told her my situation, was really honest about how I feel and what I’ve done to myself, and I got a “oh babe” and that was it. Nothing else. I only opened up because I thought she would be supportive, but nope. Her attention is more on her boyfriend than anything else. Makes me feel a bit worthless. Never mind hey.

Everything just seems a bit pants right now.

Sad Katie

But only because I’ve decided to put down my book because it was very heavy in witchcraft and the occult. Never mind, plenty of other books to read.

I cannot believe how cold it is! It is only October – granted the end of it, but still! I am sat in my lounge, with the sun shining on me, in 4 tops! I am glad the sun is shining though.

So another morning of studying and then an afternoon of making suppers. In regards of university, I’m really enjoying it. There is an awful lot of work, I seem to already have pages of notes for every week, but I don’t mind reading and it is very interesting.

In terms of work, so far so good! I am enjoying the job and seem to have settled into it fine. Today they are having sausage rolls and beans or sandwiches…except I don’t think there is any white bread :-S That could be a problem. Pudding will be tinned fruit I think, so not too hard. It is all good. The people are really nice and it is 3 hours to prepare the food and an hour to clear up. The other day I managed it quickly so was able to stand reading my book!

I am still panicking, although none so far today. I had one on the bus yesterday so didn’t make it to the museum I needed to be OK to go to work though. I even managed small group the other evening, even if it was just a social. I haven’t cried for a few days but I have scratched my hand – although I didn’t yesterday when I was panicking, which is a good sign. Things seem to be slowly improving It is all good.