Well I have a list of good things that has happened:
1) My term papers have been sent off. Just need to write my dissertation, which is due in in September
2) I go back to work on Monday, after 5 weeks off. And will be there until September
3) Chris proposed!!! We’re getting married!!! I can’t believe it! This is how it happened:
We went out for breakfast this morning, then for a walk along the beach by Shoreham Harbour and he stopped and asked me if I wanted a present, I said yes, he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him, to which I said yes! We’re looking to marry in September!

All of this has made me soooo excited!

Bored & Fed Up

Haha story of my life at the moment. Just sitting around…waiting…
I still dunno what I will be doing for the rest of the year. Now my contact time at university has finished I need a full time job. Of course that is easier said than done considering I haven’t ventured back to work yet. I know I’m on holiday now instead of off sick, but I dunno if I’m ready for work. The idea scares me….And I’m waiting for other stuff too (I am trying to be patient…!), it is just hard.
I’ve been feeling so depressed recently too. Maybe it is because I’m a touch bored, but I just feel low, unhappy…just pants generally. I could happily sleep my time away – hiding in bed, sounds wonderful.
Although not sure I would sleep, I don’t appear to at night. I woke up every two hours last night, each time following a nightmare. This sucks. I’m amazed I haven’t slept this afternoon. I can’t believe I’ve gone back to being an insomniac. At some point soon I will just crash.
Urgh I just feel so crap. I could cry….

Ouch!

Oh my word, I am in pain! My wisdom teeth are coming through, and it really hurts! Aw well, will just take some pain killers. Although mixed with period pain and my skin problem, it is no wonder my panic has been bad the past couple of weeks.

However, anxiety being so high means I have missed quite a bit of university, which is never good. One of my tutors wants to see me about it but I can’t make the time he suggested and he hasn’t got back to me *shrugs* so I dunno.

Spent yesterday in Fleet with Chris’ family. There was a mini party for his sister Wendy as it is her birthday this week. It was good to see them all. His parent’s flat is so nice! I’d happily live there!

Well I have decided what I want to write my dissertation on: How Brighton is portrayed in literature. Woo, more reading! Man I have an addiction….! Never mind, I don’t think it is a bad thing!

Ow, ow, ow, my mouth really hurts I’m going to go feel sorry for myself whilst reading an article for Wednesday’s seminar. Hehe if I get a lot done this morning, I might be able to just relax with Chris this evening and not do any work! Hopefully I’ll get some done at work this afternoon, I’ll just have to work quickly!

Monday Morning

I’m currently sat listening to a teaching on Paul’s work in the Bible from http://www.worldwide-classroom.com/courses/. It is quite heavy going but it is good.

Had a hard working weekend. Did so much studying, which is good, but a bit boring. Chris did take me out for Valentine’s Day though. Got a few nice photos of us:


We had a lovely meal at a Mexican restaurant, mm!

I’ve been quite creative this past week too:

This week will be spent studying, going to work and uni and more studying! Fun fun!

On a good note- well, great note, I’ve not panicked for weeks, yipee!

Cold

OK, I am freezing. I cannot believe just how cold it is! Although it has been snowing, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m sat in the study trying to work – I chose this room as it has the least amount of distractions, and it is probably the coldest room in the house. Mind you, does mean I won’t fall asleep.

Was my birthday on Saturday – turned 22! Crazy. I do not feel that old! Chris’ family came across and we went to Brighton Marina and had a nice lunch. Didn’t do anything with my family. None of my brothers came home and Dad was at work. In fact, I am cross with my brothers – not one of them has sent me a card or a present. Grr. Makes me angry as they would go mad if they didn’t receive a present or if their wives didn’t.

I no longer work Wednesdays! Yay! That is a relief, means I won’t have the stress of having to get from university to work. I haven’t done much uni work this week – had no concentration to think of. Although it hasn’t helped that I couldn’t get the books I needed out of the library. Aw well, I will be in early tomorrow so can do some reading then. At the minute I will have to make do with Google! Am researching about Booker T. Washington and black segregation in America at the moment

Got work later – not motivated at all! Probably because I think it is egg sandwiches tonight – yuck! The poor residents. Well if they want it :-S I don’t understand why they would but hey ho! Need Chris to let me know how I am getting home from work later too – although trains are running many are cancelled and most are delayed. Just need him to text/email me. I am hoping he will come and get me!

Oh, and I hate the bank. Nearly crying but never mind.

:-(

I thought the panic had passed. I think I was wrong. I’m in the library at university, trying to breathe, trying not to shake, trying to stay here. I’ve only been here 15 mins and already I’m on the verge of running away. I have such a trying day ahead of me, and I can’t cope. I’ve been praying, which is what got me here I think, and I know it says in the Bible in Jesus we can do all things, but I can’t even find that verse to meditate on. Crying, I would like to cry. There is too much pressure. I can cope, it seems, when I can do small things – like just go to work, but when I have to go backwards and forwards, go into a seminar that I don’t feel prepared for, and know even if I do more work I won’t be prepared for, then go to work, then back again, I can’t cope. It is too much. Maybe I do still need counselling…. I think I’ll give it an hour. If I still feel like this I’m leaving. I wish Chris was here…..

After Christmas

Christmas was a good time – for the most part. It was lovely spending time with the family and getting presents However I didn’t get any books Aw well, I quickly sorted that out and ordered a couple for myself! The downside of Christmas was the death at work. Katie, one of our favourite residents passed away suddenly in her sleep. We all had a good cry and she will be dearly missed. There was another death yesterday too, it is so sad.

My panic attacks are getting better Yay! My headaches are easing, although still present. Problem now is I feel so depressed a lot of the time. There is no reason for it I know, but that doesn’t make it better. Hiding in bed all the time would be fun but it won’t help, so I’m up, listening to an audiobook and getting on with university work. Going to work later too. Chris is making me walk to the station but the exercise will do me good and it is sunny

Well, must get back to me dissertation proposal. Only 700 words to go Hehe!

Studying

At least, that is what I should be doing! I’m just taking a quick break before I type up more notes. Popped into university this morning, now have my term paper title, just need to research and write it. I do have until about the 12th of January though, so at the moment I’m reading for a reflective essay. Yep, I have a lot to do.
Am on new medication, which seems to be working, yipee! However, it does give me constant headaches, and migraines some days, but I’m trying not to let them bug me. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple of weeks though, which I am so happy about. I’m still fighting the depression though. Yesterday I was down all day, all I wanted to do was sleep or cuddle. I didn’t get to church or to see Lianne, but we did make it down to the Harbour to see a couple of ships. Problem I am having at the moment is I can’t stop biting my mouth, it is bleeding and hurts but I can’t stop. I don’t even know what is causing me to bite
It’s nearly Christmas! Yay! Just need to wrap my pressies and write the cards!
Work is great I love my job!! Making suppers for the old people is a fairly simple job, the people I work with are lovely and the residents themselves are very nice (well, most of them!). They can be naughty too, which is so funny! I love it! This was definitely a good move for me.
Right, must get back to work.

I Feel Bad

My head is throbbing, the room is spinning and I feel so sick. I’ve had two panic attacks and I’ve bitten my mouth so much it bled for ages and now hurts. I’m suppose to be at the museum, but feel too bad to go. I’ve tried reading, napping and working, and so far I’m just too restless for anything.

However, I am trying to be productive, and have put on a wash load and have given my essay a lot of thought – got a few great things to say! At least I hope they are good, I’m still doubting my ability to do this MA.

I wish Chris was here I want a hug.

And in other news…! Finding Nicki tonight, think I’ll do a sausage hotpot, means I need to pop to Tesco on my way to Chris’, although I don’t think I’ll be driving any time soon, need the light-headedness to pass. I might bake a cake too, haven’t baked in ages.

Looks like I’ve been offered a permanent job at Melrose, woo! I love it there. Must ask Liz about doing the Food Hygiene thing though, then I can bake there too! (And of course get a page rise!)

Right, need to check ingredients and do some essay writing. And stop missing Chris

Been To The Doctor

I gave in and decided to go again. My panic has been bad, as has my depression, and I’m still biting inside my mouth and scratching my hands until they bleed, so I made the decision to get myself sorted out. Even though I saw a locum doctor, she was more helpful than the others. I am now changing my medication, yay, in the hope that will help. She has also recommended a few websites and said I should hear from the psychiatrist soon.

Spending the afternoon working, reading up on women in the inter-war period for an essay due in a couple of weeks time. It is only 2000 words, not enough!! So far I’ve found one great article for it, getting some lovely quotes from it. I love research

I was bad and went to the library this morning, which I was waiting for my prescription. I was weak and got out 2 books. It has to be said though, their history section is rubbish. I was a bit disappointed. Means I may have to go across to uni later for some books, which is annoying.

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