28th July 2008

Indeed, that is a smile! I had a lovely day yesterday. Chris took me to Highgrove and we had a gorgeous lunch and lovely walk around the garden. Got some nice photos:

That is the restaurant and here is a picture of part of the garden:

It was a lovely afternoon. It was hot and sunny, and I just love spending time with Chris.

We went to church in the evening. It was a really good preach, which can be found here. It is definitely worth listening too. I found it so helpful. It was good to get some fellowship with Suzy and Becky, as well as getting to know Rupert a bit better.

Talking of Suze, I went to see her this morning. We had a bit of a pamper session, which was lovely. It was cool to hang out.

I’m going to give work a call in a bit, see what is happening with them and Occupational Health as I’m in Portugal next week so won’t be around to talk to them. I don’t know what is going on or when I’m due back or anything, it is a bit annoying really.

It has been a few days now since I have had a proper panic attack, although I have felt very panicky. I think I am slowly getting better Lets hope it continues

25th July 2008

Well I went to the doctor this morning and am off sick for another fortnight and have been referred to a psychiatrist. Michelle – is that what you mean by “proper treatment”? I don’t know what else they can do really.

Had my church counselling yesterday. In hindsight, since I started the counselling my panic attacks have started to get better, although am still having them. We prayed against any bonds I still had with my ex and repented of all the promises I had made and things I had done and felt so good after. I felt at peace and cleansed, and released. It was a good feeling

Yesterday evening was lovely too. We took a stroll along Shoreham Beach, it was warm and peaceful, just gorgeous:

I’ve had two panic attacks today, not sure why I had either. Things will get better though, I have to believe that. One attack was at the doctors, probably because they scare me. The other was at Suzy’s. No idea why that set me off….maybe because she is anxious too and it was a bit awkward having a deep and meaningful chat as Chris was there….I dunno. I’m still refusing to give up though. God is slowly changing me. And maybe Chris is right, maybe God is making me stronger through this time so later in life I can cope and be a help to others? Only time will tell I guess.

24th July 2008

It is 9:08 in the morning and I already have something to say. I’m tired! I can’t believe how much sleep my body needs at the moment. Even my eyes are feeling the strain. I didn’t manage small group last night, I slept the whole evening. I fell asleep at 8.30 and Chris woke me up just under two hours later. He took me straight home and I went almost straight to bed, and slept from about 11 to 7, yet I have woken up still tired.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I had dreams that I throw a party that was a complete disaster, that I managed to maim myself, that Pete was attempting to get me back and that I was rejected and excluded  and given a really bad name and reputation.

Interesting news this morning, Suzy has also been signed off sick and had her meds increased to the same dosage as mine. I wonder, as does she, if we are both under spiritual attack? I think I’m going to delve into the Bible and my depression book this morning. Need to build myself up in God.

I have counselling today, my last session until September. Last time we were looking at defences against my panic attacks, don’t know what we will do today though. I have got the doctor’s tomorrow morning but am nervous about it. She is likely to send me to a psychiatrist, but what if she sends me back to work? I’m not ready to go back My panic attacks are still bad and I’m ill on top of that. I can’t cope with work. I’m really worried….