Signed Off Again

Yep, can you believe it? I’m off sick again for two weeks. Hopefully that will be long enough to get better. I should use the time to get on with university work really – however I have spent the time reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer – so good!
I’m having nightmares again I don’t know why. Lack of sleep isn’t making me feel good. My head is throbbing continuously. Oh, and the doctor told me the outbreak on my hand is eczema, yippee.
The panic disorder, lack of sleep and continual feeling rough is making me feel quite low. I could have cried for hours yesterday, and am not feeling much better today. Urgh I just want to get better. I want Chris to be here too, to look after me.

:-(

I thought the panic had passed. I think I was wrong. I’m in the library at university, trying to breathe, trying not to shake, trying to stay here. I’ve only been here 15 mins and already I’m on the verge of running away. I have such a trying day ahead of me, and I can’t cope. I’ve been praying, which is what got me here I think, and I know it says in the Bible in Jesus we can do all things, but I can’t even find that verse to meditate on. Crying, I would like to cry. There is too much pressure. I can cope, it seems, when I can do small things – like just go to work, but when I have to go backwards and forwards, go into a seminar that I don’t feel prepared for, and know even if I do more work I won’t be prepared for, then go to work, then back again, I can’t cope. It is too much. Maybe I do still need counselling…. I think I’ll give it an hour. If I still feel like this I’m leaving. I wish Chris was here…..

Off Sick

First sick day in ages, but I woke up with a horrid migraine, tried to sleep it off but it just got worse, and tablets weren’t helping so I had to call in sick. My parents will not be happy. I sometimes think they think I like being off sick, and I don’t. I do actually enjoy my job, it is just I seem to be prone to illness. Chris came to get me and I’m currently feeling a bit sorry for myself at his.

Had a lovely weekend though. I met up with Katie on Saturday We went to some farm and had lunch. I’ve forgotten how much I love spending time with her. I plan to make several trips up to Leeds to see her! Did hear about one friend who is unhappy with me because I’m often to busy to meet up when she is free, but you can’t please everyone, and if she wants to sulk, let her. I just think it is a bit rude that we were suppose to be close friends and she didn’t tell me that she is moving away too.

University starts up again this week. I’ve just edited some of my work so hopefully Dad will be able to read them tonight. They aren’t due in until next week but I would like to hand them in when I go in Wednesday.

I have the doctor’s on Friday morning. As my panic hasn’t been too bad recently I’m hoping that they will reduce my tablets. God has been so good to me, healing me, now I just hope I can get off the medication. That would be such a huge step as I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I will continue to pray for healing and the end of my medication.

After Christmas

Christmas was a good time – for the most part. It was lovely spending time with the family and getting presents However I didn’t get any books Aw well, I quickly sorted that out and ordered a couple for myself! The downside of Christmas was the death at work. Katie, one of our favourite residents passed away suddenly in her sleep. We all had a good cry and she will be dearly missed. There was another death yesterday too, it is so sad.

My panic attacks are getting better Yay! My headaches are easing, although still present. Problem now is I feel so depressed a lot of the time. There is no reason for it I know, but that doesn’t make it better. Hiding in bed all the time would be fun but it won’t help, so I’m up, listening to an audiobook and getting on with university work. Going to work later too. Chris is making me walk to the station but the exercise will do me good and it is sunny

Well, must get back to me dissertation proposal. Only 700 words to go Hehe!

Studying

At least, that is what I should be doing! I’m just taking a quick break before I type up more notes. Popped into university this morning, now have my term paper title, just need to research and write it. I do have until about the 12th of January though, so at the moment I’m reading for a reflective essay. Yep, I have a lot to do.
Am on new medication, which seems to be working, yipee! However, it does give me constant headaches, and migraines some days, but I’m trying not to let them bug me. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple of weeks though, which I am so happy about. I’m still fighting the depression though. Yesterday I was down all day, all I wanted to do was sleep or cuddle. I didn’t get to church or to see Lianne, but we did make it down to the Harbour to see a couple of ships. Problem I am having at the moment is I can’t stop biting my mouth, it is bleeding and hurts but I can’t stop. I don’t even know what is causing me to bite
It’s nearly Christmas! Yay! Just need to wrap my pressies and write the cards!
Work is great I love my job!! Making suppers for the old people is a fairly simple job, the people I work with are lovely and the residents themselves are very nice (well, most of them!). They can be naughty too, which is so funny! I love it! This was definitely a good move for me.
Right, must get back to work.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday: What an up! I started lectures yesterday, and unlike Friday I coped! The lectures seem really good and the people really nice. It properly exhausted me but was such a good day.

Today: Downer. I feel horrible. Cold and tired, got a headache and just feel so low. I wana cry and I’ve already had a panic attack. Yeah…hopefully the day will pick up a little.

The Evening

Well following my ramblings this morning I had a huge panic attack where I had to use a paper bag to calm down. In a not-so-good state I drove over to uni to give Dad the car and had a cry to him. He suggested I go and try, and leave when I feel really bad. However, I got across one campus but by the time I got to the station/bus stop I was late and I was still crying so I got the bus to Chris’, where I have slept all afternoon. I’m now more awake but not feeling much better. Need to get a strategy drawn up for Monday so I actually get there.

I’ve had an interesting chat with Lee though about God. I was able to tell him that I believe that the world is this way because humans chose sin, and now we are bound to it, but that God sent his Son to die and set us free. And that I believe religion is dead. There is nothing good about following rules when God is out there and wants a relationship with us. We just need to repent and accept him into lives. It isn’t about following rules, it is about having a true relationship with the living, loving God. I’ve found I don’t follow the rules because I have too, but because God has changed my heart and I want to honour him. So not having sex isn’t a problem for example because I want to please God and I know I’ll get complete satisfaction when I’m married because I’ve obeyed God and honoured him in all I do. And when I slip into sin, say getting angry or gossiping, I know if I repent my sins are forgiven because Jesus died for me to take my sin. It is a life-long process but God is changing me to more like him and it is so exciting.

Induction Day

Well today is the induction day at university. 3 hours of being told stuff I already know. And yet I’ve spent the morning crying and panicking. I decided with Lee that if I had another attack I wouldn’t go, and guess what, I had another attack. And I have to drive, what a stupid idea of mine. I’m not really in a state to drive, but what can I do? Dad needs the car. If I tell him how I am he will want me to drive anyway to be a brave Adult Katie. But right now, that isn’t me. I’m sat here with my teddy crying. I’ve tried calling Chris but he must be busy. Do I need to go to a lecture on how to use the library, when I’ve been using it for years? Do I need a tour around campus when I’ve been round many times? I know this is a good time to meet people, but I’m not really in a state where I can do that right now. But if I don’t go people will be cross with me. However, my counsellor has told me that I have to do what I think is best. But am I hiding? I don’t think I am, I missed induction lectures at Greenwich and I’ll be in on Monday for the proper lectures. What I want to do is turn my phone off and hide. And yes, for a while that would make me feel better. I have to drive and take the car to Dad but I don’t know about uni. I have to do what is right for me and I’m not sure the induction lecture is that.

Feeling Like Shouting and Throwing Things

Or just smacking my head against a brick wall.

Reflection: How I Am Feeling

- Sad: I just want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. There is no real reason for it, I just do.

- Betrayed: OK maybe that is a little strong, but I introduced a friend to another friend and then when the said friend had BIG news, who did he tell, me or my other friend? Yeah, the other friend. This seems to happen a lot in my life, I introduce people and then get shunned out – happened at school, at university….and it feels a bit like it is happening again. Maybe its me? Maybe I’m just a crap friend? I don’t know. I guess I should just get used to it.

- Panicky: All day I have been fighting off panic attacks, two I failed to keep away

- Lonely: I’m supposed to be being “independent” and “adult Katie” which translates as “learn to cope alone” which means not running to Chris when I feel panicky (or anyone else for that matter) as I have to learn to be independent. Problem is I want to run to him. Being independent is lonely, and now I feel even more cut off from people.

- Ill: I feel so run down. I could easily go for a second nap. I ache all over. I still have ear ache. And when I’m not panicky I’m like dry-heaving

- Lousy: Overall I just feel lousy

Not Great Today

I have woken up tired, my eyes hurt and I have no motivation to do anything – not even shower. May have a bath to see if that relaxs me. I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally admitted to myself my greatest fear at the moment – which isn’t for sharing with anyone except God; and I finally admitted I don’t want to go back to Debenhams. I don’t know what it is, maybe a mixture of the building, the clutter, the noise, the people…maybe it is just a lack of passion for the place. I have had experience working somewhere that I love, surrounded by history, and that is what I want to be doing, not working in a clothes shop. I wouldn’t be upset if they said I’m not fit to work there, or the doctor signed me off again. I know that is the wrong attitude and that I need a job and that it is Biblical to work, I just want something new, something I have a passion for.

On top of that, my panic attacks are still bad and I’m struggling to fight my depression. I don’t want to let it win, but I feel tired, I have no motivation for anything and I’m crying so much – more than people realise. I should tell people I know, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’ve spent all week cooped up at home, long hours by myself. Yet the thought of social contact scares me, and I don’t know why. I know I won’t be judged, I know I can just be myself, but maybe that is where the problem lies, I’m not my greatest fan at the moment. I can find faults in most things. Am I isolating myself? Is this all my own doing? All my own fault? Probably. But I don’t know how to fight it, I don’t know how to reach out to people, how to get them to understand. I feel so alone.