Thank You Sarah

Thank you for my award, you have been such a good friend listening to me moan, so thanks. I just wish there wasn’t such a big pond between us.

Work was OK yesterday. My new line manager was in a bad mood but I just avoided her. She wasn’t happy that I was in 11-2 and not 4-7 – why would I want to work until 7 on a Sunday?! It kind of defeats the object of me getting used to being in the work place again if I’m there tiding up after the store has closed. :-S Well my supervisor changed my hours so Nat was not pleased. Never mind. I’m fine at work actually. I get a wave of anxiety but I go and talk to someone or go to a quiet part of the department to tidy up and so far that has worked. It isn’t even a problem on the till so I’m pleased. I’m hoping I’m like Michelle’s friend who can cope at work and sees it as an escape. We will see.

Today I feel a bit restless. I can’t sit still and one minute I’m all positive and upbeat and the next I’m curled up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I don’t think it helps that I am really tired and am fighting the urge to have a nap. I was really active this morning, I did so much cleaning, but since then all I’ve done is wander around the house and read. I did try and watch a preach but I couldn’t concentrate on it.

Counselling starts up again tomorrow, which I’m pleased about. Will be nice after so many weeks without it.

I was a bit heartless this morning. Someone I have known for years came online and started on about how suicidal he is again. I say again because most of the conversations I have had with him over the years have been about how he wants to die. When he told me this morning I just said “oh right” and then signed off MSN. I know that seems horrible but suffering from anxiety disorder I feel I don’t really need to listen to him and make myself worry and also, I’m not convinced he actually is suicidal, I think he just wants attention, as he regularly plays this card and to be honest, I believe if someone was actually suffering they wouldn’t broadcast it. Just my view, but I now don’t know if I should feel bad that I didn’t talk to him?

27th July 2008

The sun is shining, yipee!

Good news, I managed to get up to High Wycombe for a wedding yesterday – yes we did get stuck on the M25, the nation’s favourite carpark, in that heat, and I managed to stay in the ceremony and for refreshments even though I was panicking. I also coped around Tesco and M&S, although it was about 8.30 by then, so I am making a slow improvement

In answer to your question Michelle, yeah I do use the CBT method with my counsellor, it seems to be helping. I’m reading up about it a lot too and seeking healing from God.

Today I think we are going out for a Sunday lunch and a stroll along the river, although only if it isn’t too hot, I’ll burn otherwise. We have church this evening too, where I will just sit downstairs and watch the video link.

I just played my flute, for the first time in ages, and loved it! Once I got it in tune it was beautiful. I need to play it more to help myself breathe more deeply – we think one of the reasons I have a constant headache is because my breathing has become very shallow from having a lot of panic attacks, so we are thinking if I play my flute loads I will sort out the problem. I really enjoyed playing it though

Well I have woken up in a brighter mood today, thank you Lord for all you do in my life, the fact I feel better than I have in a while and the fact the sun is shining. You are awesome God, I love you.

Here is to a good day….!