Thursday

I cannot believe it is Thursday already!

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried so much, then hid in my bed in the afternoon. I just felt so down, it was horrible. Hopefully today will be better. However, it has not started well. I did not sleep well. Every hour I woke up and then at 4am I was woken with the worst period pains ever, they hurt so much that even pain killers didn’t help. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I read and played on the internet. I have set up a site for my poetry, hopefully people will like it. It is just another way of expressing myself. However, I now feel so tired, and still unwell. I need to try and focus on getting some work done today though.

Good news, Liz may have some work for me! Yay! I emailed her yesterday just to see if there was anything she could do for me and she has said to give her a ring later, so I’m now going to pray that she can help me.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday: What an up! I started lectures yesterday, and unlike Friday I coped! The lectures seem really good and the people really nice. It properly exhausted me but was such a good day.

Today: Downer. I feel horrible. Cold and tired, got a headache and just feel so low. I wana cry and I’ve already had a panic attack. Yeah…hopefully the day will pick up a little.

Feeling Like Shouting and Throwing Things

Or just smacking my head against a brick wall.

Reflection: How I Am Feeling

- Sad: I just want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. There is no real reason for it, I just do.

- Betrayed: OK maybe that is a little strong, but I introduced a friend to another friend and then when the said friend had BIG news, who did he tell, me or my other friend? Yeah, the other friend. This seems to happen a lot in my life, I introduce people and then get shunned out – happened at school, at university….and it feels a bit like it is happening again. Maybe its me? Maybe I’m just a crap friend? I don’t know. I guess I should just get used to it.

- Panicky: All day I have been fighting off panic attacks, two I failed to keep away

- Lonely: I’m supposed to be being “independent” and “adult Katie” which translates as “learn to cope alone” which means not running to Chris when I feel panicky (or anyone else for that matter) as I have to learn to be independent. Problem is I want to run to him. Being independent is lonely, and now I feel even more cut off from people.

- Ill: I feel so run down. I could easily go for a second nap. I ache all over. I still have ear ache. And when I’m not panicky I’m like dry-heaving

- Lousy: Overall I just feel lousy

Yeah…

How do I feel? Yeah… Not great. Already had a panic attack today I wana get better. I feel so low too. I just want to go hide really. I have errands to run on campus, and I just don’t want to go. I want to curl up and cry. But I’m not allowed.

So, counselling – I have to grow up. No longer can people control me. No longer can I be scared of letting people down and upsetting them. No more Baby Katie, who hides, sucks her finger and cuddles her teddy. That is easier said than done, when those three things are what I really want to do. So instead, we have angry Adult Katie. I know my counsellor is right, and I did do one good thing, I quit my job

I went to the doctor this morning. Need to try another two weeks with the tablets and counselling, otherwise off to the psychiatrist. I am signed off work again though, which means I never have to go back to Debenhams.

Right, back to job hunting. I’m looking for admin, data entry, filing type jobs in and around Brighton….anyone got any ideas?

Just another day

Another day where I am struggling. As I type I’m trying not to have a panic attack. When did breathing get so hard? Today has not gone to plan. I hoped to get to the library this morning but the card didn’t work so I couldn’t get in, then I had a panic attack so I decided not to meet Aaron, then I had another panic attack, this time on the train on my way to Chris’ and it continued while I was in Tesco and I had one just before Chris got home for lunch.

….Wave of tears is coming over me….

I’m suppose to see Suzy this afternoon but I don’t feel in any state too. I don’t think I can cope with seeing anyone. When Chris’ flatmates get home I’m going to go hide in his bedroom. This is a really sad existance I’m leading right now.

Oddly enough, however, I don’t feel lonely, I actually want to be alone. I may feel differently tomorrow but right now the thought of company is making me anxious. I just can’t do it right now – what does that say about me?

I can’t decide if I’m going to cry or be sick, or both. I do not feel good right now.

Unsure

I’ve titled this entry as “unsure” as that is how I feel right now, unsure about, well, everything. Unsure I want to sit and read; unsure I want to watch TV; unsure if I want to cry; unsure about if I am actually going to have a panic attack; unsure if I want a visitor later; unsure where my mood is. I just feel confused. I don’t know how to feel right now. I know I should be happy, but getting there is hard. I just feel like I don’t know anything right now. I’m all over the place.