Feeling Like Shouting and Throwing Things

Or just smacking my head against a brick wall.

Reflection: How I Am Feeling

- Sad: I just want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. There is no real reason for it, I just do.

- Betrayed: OK maybe that is a little strong, but I introduced a friend to another friend and then when the said friend had BIG news, who did he tell, me or my other friend? Yeah, the other friend. This seems to happen a lot in my life, I introduce people and then get shunned out – happened at school, at university….and it feels a bit like it is happening again. Maybe its me? Maybe I’m just a crap friend? I don’t know. I guess I should just get used to it.

- Panicky: All day I have been fighting off panic attacks, two I failed to keep away

- Lonely: I’m supposed to be being “independent” and “adult Katie” which translates as “learn to cope alone” which means not running to Chris when I feel panicky (or anyone else for that matter) as I have to learn to be independent. Problem is I want to run to him. Being independent is lonely, and now I feel even more cut off from people.

- Ill: I feel so run down. I could easily go for a second nap. I ache all over. I still have ear ache. And when I’m not panicky I’m like dry-heaving

- Lousy: Overall I just feel lousy

The Weekend

Well it has been a mixed few days. Friday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was so low and lonely. I just felt horrible. I ended up going to bed in the middle of the day, not that it helped much. Saturday was a better day. I went out shopping in the morning with Chris and was upset by my height (not very tall) and the fact we couldn’t get me a bracelet, all were too big. It really upset me that I was just too small. Cheered up in the afternoon as we went to play Pitch-and-Putt. I’ve never played golf before, and well, to be honest, I was rubbish! It was a lot of fun though and I’m sure we will go more regularly. We then popped into Tesco and I got the nicest slippers and a new pair of jeans. However I’ve gone up a dress size and that then upset me. It is purely because I have been on this tablets which make me gain weight, and I’ve spent all summer inside reading because I’ve been too anxious to go out. Mum says it shouldn’t take long for the weight to drop off, but we’ll see. We then went for a walk along the seafront, and the tide was so far out we actually couldn’t see the sea. It was so funny, we lost the sea!! That isn’t something I thought I would say.

Today has not been so good though. I went to church this morning and again managed to get through the service however, I did have a panic attack in it, Ijust didn’t leave. I spent the afternoon at Chris’, but was even panicky there. I had a nap but that didn’t help. When it got to about 5 people arrived and it got very loud so Chris and I left. We went for a walk along Hove seafront and it was beautiful. The sun was out, it was warm and the sea looked gorgeous. We then came home and sat in front of the NFL, which I’m slowly getting into and enjoying. Chris has gone out for a curry now so I’m alone again. I kinda dread being alone. I don’t want to be alone, it makes me feel so low, scared and panicky. I don’t know why. But I will focus on reading/watching TV and I should be OK

Not Great Today

I have woken up tired, my eyes hurt and I have no motivation to do anything – not even shower. May have a bath to see if that relaxs me. I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally admitted to myself my greatest fear at the moment – which isn’t for sharing with anyone except God; and I finally admitted I don’t want to go back to Debenhams. I don’t know what it is, maybe a mixture of the building, the clutter, the noise, the people…maybe it is just a lack of passion for the place. I have had experience working somewhere that I love, surrounded by history, and that is what I want to be doing, not working in a clothes shop. I wouldn’t be upset if they said I’m not fit to work there, or the doctor signed me off again. I know that is the wrong attitude and that I need a job and that it is Biblical to work, I just want something new, something I have a passion for.

On top of that, my panic attacks are still bad and I’m struggling to fight my depression. I don’t want to let it win, but I feel tired, I have no motivation for anything and I’m crying so much – more than people realise. I should tell people I know, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’ve spent all week cooped up at home, long hours by myself. Yet the thought of social contact scares me, and I don’t know why. I know I won’t be judged, I know I can just be myself, but maybe that is where the problem lies, I’m not my greatest fan at the moment. I can find faults in most things. Am I isolating myself? Is this all my own doing? All my own fault? Probably. But I don’t know how to fight it, I don’t know how to reach out to people, how to get them to understand. I feel so alone.

Sobbing

I can’t stop crying. I feel so lonely. I realised if Chris and I broke up, I probably wouldn’t have a support group to help me get over it. Being isolated because of my anxiety/panic disorder has left me so alone. The only person I see regularly is Chris. But I have no contact with anyone from school, and only contact with one person from uni, but I’m never going to meet up with him and I have “superficial” friends at work and I don’t know why but all of a sudden I’m not hanging out with people from church – or even texting them or whatever. I feel so alone. I need a shoulder to cry on but all I’ve got is my blog and people online who I don’t actually know. I feel so sad, pathetic and lonely.

It’s Friday

I’m finding it a little harder to keep smiling today. I feel lonely and sad. I wonder if it is just a reaction to my new dosage? I don’t know. I just know that I would really like a hug and a good cry.

I am still having panic attacks. I have had 2 today, I had 2 yesterday and I had 3 the day before. All bar one were at home. As I expected, it is going to be a struggle to conquer this. However, even though my mood has slipped today, I will not be defeated, I will win this war.

1st August 2008

I can’t believe it is August, I have no idea where this year has gone!

I’m not feeling great today. Yesterday evening I started to feel a bit rejected and today I just feel lonely and isolated. I’ve been fighting off panic all day, and as a result my head is throbbing and I feel so tired. Resisting the urge to sleep is hard but I will keep fighting. I don’t know why I feel like this, I don’t enjoy it though. I’m going to try and be happy though and not let how I feel ruin my evening with Chris. I worry so much about how this is affecting him. It must make him stressed and worry, but he doesn’t say anything. I hate adding extra pressure to him so I’ll try and hide how I feel, I don’t want to be a burden.

17th July 2008

Ever had days when you just want to cry? That is me now, and pretty much the past fortnight. I appear to be quite complex – or just difficult. When I’m alone I want company, and when I am with people, I want to be alone. I don’t understand. I’ve spent most of this morning and all of yesterday feeling panicky, and did in fact have a panic attack yesterday. I don’t enjoy it. And when my parents ask me about them, it is almost like they are accusing me, like it is something I do on purpose. And I worry that it is annoying Chris, who can’t really do anything to help me. Oh I don’t know. I just feel very alone as this is something that people don’t understand and can’t help with unless they have experienced it themselves. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I just want to get better…..

11th July 2008

It has been a mixed day really.

First off, the bad news. I went to the doctor this morning and have been signed off sick again for another fortnight. She said that if the meds haven’t started working by then she would have to consult a psychiatrist, which is quite a scary thought.

The other bad bit of news is work cannot help me. I’m going to hear from Occupational Health but all they will do is check I’m fit enough to work. I really want to resign now but Dad won’t let me. I need to hear his reasons before I moan I guess but I don’t want to be there any more. I really need a new job….

I’m also feeling a bit inferior and unloved. I don’t know why but at the moment I don’t feel particularly wanted anywhere. I feel like I’m annoying people left, right and centre. I might just be being paranoid but I don’t feel happy at all.

On a brighter note, I passed my degree! I got a 2:1, which is what I was working for. This means I can go ahead and do my Masters in contemporary history, which is awesome. That should open some doors for me.