Signed Off Again

Yep, can you believe it? I’m off sick again for two weeks. Hopefully that will be long enough to get better. I should use the time to get on with university work really – however I have spent the time reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer – so good!
I’m having nightmares again I don’t know why. Lack of sleep isn’t making me feel good. My head is throbbing continuously. Oh, and the doctor told me the outbreak on my hand is eczema, yippee.
The panic disorder, lack of sleep and continual feeling rough is making me feel quite low. I could have cried for hours yesterday, and am not feeling much better today. Urgh I just want to get better. I want Chris to be here too, to look after me.

Off Sick

First sick day in ages, but I woke up with a horrid migraine, tried to sleep it off but it just got worse, and tablets weren’t helping so I had to call in sick. My parents will not be happy. I sometimes think they think I like being off sick, and I don’t. I do actually enjoy my job, it is just I seem to be prone to illness. Chris came to get me and I’m currently feeling a bit sorry for myself at his.

Had a lovely weekend though. I met up with Katie on Saturday We went to some farm and had lunch. I’ve forgotten how much I love spending time with her. I plan to make several trips up to Leeds to see her! Did hear about one friend who is unhappy with me because I’m often to busy to meet up when she is free, but you can’t please everyone, and if she wants to sulk, let her. I just think it is a bit rude that we were suppose to be close friends and she didn’t tell me that she is moving away too.

University starts up again this week. I’ve just edited some of my work so hopefully Dad will be able to read them tonight. They aren’t due in until next week but I would like to hand them in when I go in Wednesday.

I have the doctor’s on Friday morning. As my panic hasn’t been too bad recently I’m hoping that they will reduce my tablets. God has been so good to me, healing me, now I just hope I can get off the medication. That would be such a huge step as I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I will continue to pray for healing and the end of my medication.

I Feel Bad

My head is throbbing, the room is spinning and I feel so sick. I’ve had two panic attacks and I’ve bitten my mouth so much it bled for ages and now hurts. I’m suppose to be at the museum, but feel too bad to go. I’ve tried reading, napping and working, and so far I’m just too restless for anything.

However, I am trying to be productive, and have put on a wash load and have given my essay a lot of thought – got a few great things to say! At least I hope they are good, I’m still doubting my ability to do this MA.

I wish Chris was here I want a hug.

And in other news…! Finding Nicki tonight, think I’ll do a sausage hotpot, means I need to pop to Tesco on my way to Chris’, although I don’t think I’ll be driving any time soon, need the light-headedness to pass. I might bake a cake too, haven’t baked in ages.

Looks like I’ve been offered a permanent job at Melrose, woo! I love it there. Must ask Liz about doing the Food Hygiene thing though, then I can bake there too! (And of course get a page rise!)

Right, need to check ingredients and do some essay writing. And stop missing Chris

Bored

It is Saturday evening and I am bored. This is the worst state for me to be in because I get restless and start thinking and end up feeling crap, just like I do now. Must find something to do. Haven’t been well since I started the new tablets. Hopefully I will settle down on them soon but I feel sick, light-headed and have had an upset stomach. And of course, panic attacks on top of that. I haven’t managed anything this week, not uni, not the museum and not work. It sucks, and it makes me feel worse thinking about it. Kinda feel like a loser that I can’t even manage these things.

I’m a bit disappointed in my friend too. I told her my situation, was really honest about how I feel and what I’ve done to myself, and I got a “oh babe” and that was it. Nothing else. I only opened up because I thought she would be supportive, but nope. Her attention is more on her boyfriend than anything else. Makes me feel a bit worthless. Never mind hey.

Everything just seems a bit pants right now.

Thursday

I cannot believe it is Thursday already!

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried so much, then hid in my bed in the afternoon. I just felt so down, it was horrible. Hopefully today will be better. However, it has not started well. I did not sleep well. Every hour I woke up and then at 4am I was woken with the worst period pains ever, they hurt so much that even pain killers didn’t help. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I read and played on the internet. I have set up a site for my poetry, hopefully people will like it. It is just another way of expressing myself. However, I now feel so tired, and still unwell. I need to try and focus on getting some work done today though.

Good news, Liz may have some work for me! Yay! I emailed her yesterday just to see if there was anything she could do for me and she has said to give her a ring later, so I’m now going to pray that she can help me.

Just another day

Another day where I am struggling. As I type I’m trying not to have a panic attack. When did breathing get so hard? Today has not gone to plan. I hoped to get to the library this morning but the card didn’t work so I couldn’t get in, then I had a panic attack so I decided not to meet Aaron, then I had another panic attack, this time on the train on my way to Chris’ and it continued while I was in Tesco and I had one just before Chris got home for lunch.

….Wave of tears is coming over me….

I’m suppose to see Suzy this afternoon but I don’t feel in any state too. I don’t think I can cope with seeing anyone. When Chris’ flatmates get home I’m going to go hide in his bedroom. This is a really sad existance I’m leading right now.

Oddly enough, however, I don’t feel lonely, I actually want to be alone. I may feel differently tomorrow but right now the thought of company is making me anxious. I just can’t do it right now – what does that say about me?

I can’t decide if I’m going to cry or be sick, or both. I do not feel good right now.

Monday

Not a lot happened this weekend. I’m off sick again *rolls eyes*. Although this did mean I was able to go to church Sunday morning and I was able to stay in the whole service and really met with God, which was amazing. It did make me wonder, like before, if God is still telling me to leave Debenhams? If I do, I can serve Him and meet Him in the meetings at church. I really don’t know because it would leave me with no money coming in, which is not a good idea really.

Got my loan form sent off this morning finally. Now praying they will lend me the money so I can study this year. I’ve been doing background reading the past few days and am really enjoying it

I’m not feeling well today. I slept very badly last night and ended up asleep on the sofa this afternoon. My head is pounding, my stomach bubbling away and I feel sick I’m suppose to be going to my small group leader’s house for dinner tonight but I also still feel panicky, having had an attack earlier, so what I really want is Chris to come to me and to sit cuddling him all evening. I’m definitely going to his but whether I make it to Nicky’s later is another matter.

Thunder Storm

I was woken up this morning by the thunder, it was so loud but so cool! I love thunder storms!

I’m feeling strange today. I’m still disagreeing with my medication, I’m exhausted and I kind of want to hide. I don’t know why I feel like this. Controlling the panic is definitely taking a lot of me, and I do feel panicky now. Its strange, I have a few good days, and then a few bad days. Today is a bad day. Maybe a nap later will help. I don’t want to go out tonight either but I’m running the bookshop at church so am needed. It is all a bit sucky really.

Friday Morning

I know I’m trying to stay positive and up beat, but to tell the truth, I feel horrible. I feel ill, every time I cough I think I’m going to be sick, I’m tired – again another bad night sleeping, I’ve been crying on and off since I got back from the doctor and I’m annoyed. My computer doesn’t want to work so I’m on the family computer at the minute and I went to the doctor and even though the counsellor yesterday said I need a change of meds and the fact they make me ill, he didn’t flipping change them. I told him I don’t sleep well, I have a constant headache and feel sick after meals, as well as the fact I’m still having 3 panic attacks a day, but still on the same medication. I’m angry to tell the truth as I’ve had to spend £14 on medication that doesn’t work and have to spend the next fortnight feeling sick. And he gave me a lecture on panic attacks, what they are, why they happen etc, as if I don’t know, I’ve had them for 4 years. Urgh. So cross, and so close to crying again.