Not blogged for ages!

I have just sent my CV off to newspapers, museums and publishers in Sussex. Made the important decision that I don’t want to work in London the other day – although that does limit my options but will benefit me in the long run, can’t imagine that the commute would do my anxiety any good. Hoping it is fruitful. I want to work in research or history, but just need a career from September. My part time job at the moment won’t be suitable after I’ve finished my MA.

Already started re-working my dissertation. I can’t get it out of my head, which is frustrating!

Chris is viewing another flat tomorrow. We are still having no luck but we will keep praying, we believe God will provide for us.

An Update

Well, getting married in 140-something days, crazy! We have so much planned already:

- date: 26th September
- venue: our church for the whole day
- caterer
- elder to marry us
- a registrar
- the guest list
- the invitations made up
- my dress!!!!!!!!!! (yeah, I’m a little excited about that!)
- bridesmaid – Chris’ sister
- ushers – my three brothers
- the finances sorted – thank you both sets of parents!
- duty manager
- photographer

And we have made decisions on other things, we just need to ask the respective people. Got a few things wedding-based planned for this week. Out tonight to ask a friend to be our wedding-car driver (and Naomi will be there of course!); we have an appointment at Debenhams to arrange our present list; we are going to the Wintermeyer’s to sort out who we will do Marriage Prep with and on Saturday Wendy, Chris’ sister and their Mum Hazel are coming across to look for bridesmaid dresses.

We are still house-hunting. Saw one in Shoreham we liked but there is an offer on it. Going to view a house in Portslade on Thursday. Had a drive round, the area seems nice and from the outside and the photos, the house looks good. We’re just praying that God will provide us with the right house at a good cost soon.

Had counselling last week – she thinks we are ready to finish meeting up now, yipee!! For a few weeks now for the most part I’ve been OK. Back at work, which is good and not panicking so much. Going to see the doctor on Thursday, will see what he says. Hoping to start coming off the medication. Actually, have run out of medication, slowly starting to feel ill because of it. But that is about all the bad news I have. It just feels great not beoing sad or panicky or ill all the time. I’m active and really having fun.

Still Off Sick

I went back to the doctor today and have been signed off for another two weeks. My parents are going to be cross. They kept telling me I had to refuse a sick note. Not sure how to break it to them. I know they mean well but they don’t understand. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter that they don’t like it, I’m still off. I will do some praying before I speak to them I think. I’ve had my medication changed and increased as well, yipee Means I’ll be feeling rough for a few days but I’ll manage. I’m so grateful to Chris though for coming with me earlier, had to wait over half an hour, would have really panicked without company.

Watched an amazing preach today, Mark Driscoll’s Marriage and Women. The Marriage and Men one is really good too. I really think people should watch them both. They are really useful and practical. Controversial yes, but Biblically correct and well worth paying attention too. I would love to visit Mars Hill one day. Church was amazing yesterday too. Phil preached, there were 16 baptisms, and 20 people became Christians. God is so incredible

I’ve been really blessed in that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Naomi. She is fast becoming one of my closest friend. I’m spending so much time with her, she is really fun and easy to be around, and a good friend. We’re going to another friend’s house for dinner tonight which will be great, and tomorrow we’re off out with a different friend and on Wednesday and Thursday we’re going to the cinema and bowling respectfully. It will be great.

Had a lovely date with Chris yesterday I love him so much and love spending time with him. We went to a restaurant just along the coast, on the cliffs and it was lovely. The sun was shining and the sea looked beautiful.

Must get back to essay writing. My two term papers are due in on 20th April (day I go back to work). I’ve started writing one of them, am 800 words in. Only 4200 to go! Eek! Nah it will be OK, I just need to keep my concentration up.

Monday Morning

I’m currently sat listening to a teaching on Paul’s work in the Bible from http://www.worldwide-classroom.com/courses/. It is quite heavy going but it is good.

Had a hard working weekend. Did so much studying, which is good, but a bit boring. Chris did take me out for Valentine’s Day though. Got a few nice photos of us:


We had a lovely meal at a Mexican restaurant, mm!

I’ve been quite creative this past week too:

This week will be spent studying, going to work and uni and more studying! Fun fun!

On a good note- well, great note, I’ve not panicked for weeks, yipee!

Off Sick

First sick day in ages, but I woke up with a horrid migraine, tried to sleep it off but it just got worse, and tablets weren’t helping so I had to call in sick. My parents will not be happy. I sometimes think they think I like being off sick, and I don’t. I do actually enjoy my job, it is just I seem to be prone to illness. Chris came to get me and I’m currently feeling a bit sorry for myself at his.

Had a lovely weekend though. I met up with Katie on Saturday We went to some farm and had lunch. I’ve forgotten how much I love spending time with her. I plan to make several trips up to Leeds to see her! Did hear about one friend who is unhappy with me because I’m often to busy to meet up when she is free, but you can’t please everyone, and if she wants to sulk, let her. I just think it is a bit rude that we were suppose to be close friends and she didn’t tell me that she is moving away too.

University starts up again this week. I’ve just edited some of my work so hopefully Dad will be able to read them tonight. They aren’t due in until next week but I would like to hand them in when I go in Wednesday.

I have the doctor’s on Friday morning. As my panic hasn’t been too bad recently I’m hoping that they will reduce my tablets. God has been so good to me, healing me, now I just hope I can get off the medication. That would be such a huge step as I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I will continue to pray for healing and the end of my medication.

Another Cold Day

My goodness when will we get some warm weather? I cannot be coping with this cold! I’m fair too delicate!

Yesterday was a bad day for me. There is someone at work who makes me feel inferior and not very good at my job, and although I don’t think she means too, she upsets me. Well she was on the ball yesterday. However, I think I was over-sensitive because I had had my first panic attack in weeks and done a lot of crying. I was in a fair old bad mood by the time the evening came. And poor old Chris bore the brunt of it – sorry Chrisy. Yet, we did go out to small group where we had a meal and fellowship and well, God is good, He puts friends around us and places us in happy situations and digs us out of the holes we have fallen in. It was a lovely night.

Today has been much better – although I fell asleep again during the day. This is not good. I’m just tired all the time. But today has been my day off and I’ve spent it doing a few jobs for Mum and reading and learning about God. Good way to spend a day I think I feel so peaceful today – thank you Jesus. Here is praying that I will feel this good tomorrow when I’m working!

Date-night tonight! Dunno what we are doing, but I’m looking forward to spending time with Chris I’m so lucky to be with him, I love him a lot. I can’t wait to hang out with him.

Sad news – Katie is going to Leeds She will be even further away, I already miss her and she only lives the other end of the county. What am I going to do with you so far away? I’m so pleased you got the training job though! I hope you have an awesome time. I love you girl, you are one of my best friends. Thanks for everything you do for me *hugs* Can’t wait to see you Saturday

Depression

“Explaining anxiety and depression to someone who hasn’t experienced it is like trying to explain childbirth pains to a man”

What a great statement I heard on the TV this morning. And it does sum up the situation well. It is hard to understand anxiety and depression if one has not suffered with it. Which is why it is hard to explain that I have woken up feeling depressed and low. I do want to cry and go hide in bed. Instead I’ve had breakfast, had a shower and am now ranting on here in an attempt to avoid giving in. I don’t know why I feel like this but I’m not prepared to give in yet. I’m going to try reading my novel and then some university reading, even though I’m not in next week. There is no reason to feel like this I know, especially having had some great days this past week, but I do feel quite pants. Must just try and stay focused, keep fighting, keep praying, keep trusting God will make it OK.

The Evening

Well following my ramblings this morning I had a huge panic attack where I had to use a paper bag to calm down. In a not-so-good state I drove over to uni to give Dad the car and had a cry to him. He suggested I go and try, and leave when I feel really bad. However, I got across one campus but by the time I got to the station/bus stop I was late and I was still crying so I got the bus to Chris’, where I have slept all afternoon. I’m now more awake but not feeling much better. Need to get a strategy drawn up for Monday so I actually get there.

I’ve had an interesting chat with Lee though about God. I was able to tell him that I believe that the world is this way because humans chose sin, and now we are bound to it, but that God sent his Son to die and set us free. And that I believe religion is dead. There is nothing good about following rules when God is out there and wants a relationship with us. We just need to repent and accept him into lives. It isn’t about following rules, it is about having a true relationship with the living, loving God. I’ve found I don’t follow the rules because I have too, but because God has changed my heart and I want to honour him. So not having sex isn’t a problem for example because I want to please God and I know I’ll get complete satisfaction when I’m married because I’ve obeyed God and honoured him in all I do. And when I slip into sin, say getting angry or gossiping, I know if I repent my sins are forgiven because Jesus died for me to take my sin. It is a life-long process but God is changing me to more like him and it is so exciting.

Another Day

Following the other day when I couldn’t stop crying I’ve had a couple of quiet days. By that I mean, usual days where I read all day and try not to have panic attacks. Some old fight, just a different day. And today is the same. It is only 10:30 and although I’ve spent the morning trying not to panic, I feel tired and panicky. All fun. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m a child of God and in Him I can do anything, and it is that truth that got me out of bed, off the sofa after breakfast and up doing loads of jobs. This is a long battle but I will keep fighting.

Got a meeting at work today to discuss the Occupational Health report. Am intrigued as to what it will say. I start back tomorrow, working just Thursday evenings for 2 months. I actually really nervous but I shouldn’t be, I have worked there for about a year. Hopefully J will be working, he will look after me.

Well I have changed my university course slightly, I am now going to do it full time and not part time, which means I really need to get the loan from the bank to fund it. I’m trying not to think about what I’ll do if I don’t get it. Cry probably. I also discovered that although I asked ages ago for academic references, they haven’t been written, so I’ve had to email two lecturers from last year to ask them to write them. Now I’m praying it will get done. It is just extra, unneeded hassle really, but I’m not to get worked up about it.

Right, back to reading.

I did it!!

I decided to go to church in the morning today instead of in the evening because in the evening they turn down the lights and use stage lights and it is loud, dark and busy and that was setting off my panic attacks so I decided as I’m not at work, still, I would see if I could cope with the morning service, and I managed to stay in the whole service and not have a panic attack! It definitely helped having the lights on and blinds up, I didn’t feel so trapped and I could see people moving about so there were no nasty surprises – not that I think there would be, but my anxiety sometimes leads me to think anything strange might happen. And in the worship the Holy Spirit was moving and the message was don’t be afraid, even though it sometimes feels like God is far away, He isn’t and He will lead us out of our current situations. Along with that, I was reading Hebrews 3:1-6 and the final verse was about perseverance and how a true Christian doesn’t give up. I feel God is clearly telling me not to give up and that even though this situation is long and drawn out, He will make it all better and I will come through it and things will be so amazing after.