Still Off Sick

I went back to the doctor today and have been signed off for another two weeks. My parents are going to be cross. They kept telling me I had to refuse a sick note. Not sure how to break it to them. I know they mean well but they don’t understand. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter that they don’t like it, I’m still off. I will do some praying before I speak to them I think. I’ve had my medication changed and increased as well, yipee Means I’ll be feeling rough for a few days but I’ll manage. I’m so grateful to Chris though for coming with me earlier, had to wait over half an hour, would have really panicked without company.

Watched an amazing preach today, Mark Driscoll’s Marriage and Women. The Marriage and Men one is really good too. I really think people should watch them both. They are really useful and practical. Controversial yes, but Biblically correct and well worth paying attention too. I would love to visit Mars Hill one day. Church was amazing yesterday too. Phil preached, there were 16 baptisms, and 20 people became Christians. God is so incredible

I’ve been really blessed in that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Naomi. She is fast becoming one of my closest friend. I’m spending so much time with her, she is really fun and easy to be around, and a good friend. We’re going to another friend’s house for dinner tonight which will be great, and tomorrow we’re off out with a different friend and on Wednesday and Thursday we’re going to the cinema and bowling respectfully. It will be great.

Had a lovely date with Chris yesterday I love him so much and love spending time with him. We went to a restaurant just along the coast, on the cliffs and it was lovely. The sun was shining and the sea looked beautiful.

Must get back to essay writing. My two term papers are due in on 20th April (day I go back to work). I’ve started writing one of them, am 800 words in. Only 4200 to go! Eek! Nah it will be OK, I just need to keep my concentration up.

Off Sick

First sick day in ages, but I woke up with a horrid migraine, tried to sleep it off but it just got worse, and tablets weren’t helping so I had to call in sick. My parents will not be happy. I sometimes think they think I like being off sick, and I don’t. I do actually enjoy my job, it is just I seem to be prone to illness. Chris came to get me and I’m currently feeling a bit sorry for myself at his.

Had a lovely weekend though. I met up with Katie on Saturday We went to some farm and had lunch. I’ve forgotten how much I love spending time with her. I plan to make several trips up to Leeds to see her! Did hear about one friend who is unhappy with me because I’m often to busy to meet up when she is free, but you can’t please everyone, and if she wants to sulk, let her. I just think it is a bit rude that we were suppose to be close friends and she didn’t tell me that she is moving away too.

University starts up again this week. I’ve just edited some of my work so hopefully Dad will be able to read them tonight. They aren’t due in until next week but I would like to hand them in when I go in Wednesday.

I have the doctor’s on Friday morning. As my panic hasn’t been too bad recently I’m hoping that they will reduce my tablets. God has been so good to me, healing me, now I just hope I can get off the medication. That would be such a huge step as I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a year now. I will continue to pray for healing and the end of my medication.

Been To The Doctor

I gave in and decided to go again. My panic has been bad, as has my depression, and I’m still biting inside my mouth and scratching my hands until they bleed, so I made the decision to get myself sorted out. Even though I saw a locum doctor, she was more helpful than the others. I am now changing my medication, yay, in the hope that will help. She has also recommended a few websites and said I should hear from the psychiatrist soon.

Spending the afternoon working, reading up on women in the inter-war period for an essay due in a couple of weeks time. It is only 2000 words, not enough!! So far I’ve found one great article for it, getting some lovely quotes from it. I love research

I was bad and went to the library this morning, which I was waiting for my prescription. I was weak and got out 2 books. It has to be said though, their history section is rubbish. I was a bit disappointed. Means I may have to go across to uni later for some books, which is annoying.

Technorati Tags: doctor, university, books

Yeah…

How do I feel? Yeah… Not great. Already had a panic attack today I wana get better. I feel so low too. I just want to go hide really. I have errands to run on campus, and I just don’t want to go. I want to curl up and cry. But I’m not allowed.

So, counselling – I have to grow up. No longer can people control me. No longer can I be scared of letting people down and upsetting them. No more Baby Katie, who hides, sucks her finger and cuddles her teddy. That is easier said than done, when those three things are what I really want to do. So instead, we have angry Adult Katie. I know my counsellor is right, and I did do one good thing, I quit my job

I went to the doctor this morning. Need to try another two weeks with the tablets and counselling, otherwise off to the psychiatrist. I am signed off work again though, which means I never have to go back to Debenhams.

Right, back to job hunting. I’m looking for admin, data entry, filing type jobs in and around Brighton….anyone got any ideas?

Trains

Well has been a mixed morning already. I went to the doctor and she signed me off again…oh dear. I’m now off work again for 2 weeks. I don’t think my parents will be happy as Mum said last night “don’t you dear get signed off”…oops.

On the bright side, I managed the train!! I have been avoiding it for months out of fear I’ll panic on it, but today I got on the train by myself and was fine! Yay!

Tonight I have some friends coming over for dinner. I’m making lasagne. It should be a lovely evening.

Friday Morning

I know I’m trying to stay positive and up beat, but to tell the truth, I feel horrible. I feel ill, every time I cough I think I’m going to be sick, I’m tired – again another bad night sleeping, I’ve been crying on and off since I got back from the doctor and I’m annoyed. My computer doesn’t want to work so I’m on the family computer at the minute and I went to the doctor and even though the counsellor yesterday said I need a change of meds and the fact they make me ill, he didn’t flipping change them. I told him I don’t sleep well, I have a constant headache and feel sick after meals, as well as the fact I’m still having 3 panic attacks a day, but still on the same medication. I’m angry to tell the truth as I’ve had to spend £14 on medication that doesn’t work and have to spend the next fortnight feeling sick. And he gave me a lecture on panic attacks, what they are, why they happen etc, as if I don’t know, I’ve had them for 4 years. Urgh. So cross, and so close to crying again.

The Follow Up

I called work, and I start again in a week. From next Thursday I will work just my Thursday evening shift, which is 3 hours, for 2 months, and then in November I will start my Sunday shift as well. Saturday has been dropped completely, which is good because I’m starting uni soon and it gives me a full day with Chris, who works Monday-Friday 9-5. This is a big step in the right direction.

I was feeling really low and ill yesterday evening so I went on The Book Club Forum, and can I just say, they are amazing on there. I have made some really good friends and everyone is so supportive and friendly. Thank you guys for just being great.

I am still having panic attacks but I’m sure they will pass soon. Going to the doctor tomorrow morning, will see if he gives me any new meds or anything.

Chris is round this evening Apart from that there is nothing planned for the day except for my psychiatric review, which should be interesting :-S Will let you know how that goes.

Trip to the Doctor

I had a doc appointment this morning. There has been a change in my medication. I am now taking 40mg of Propranolol as well as 40mg of Paroxotine. I need to go and have blood tests to see if I have a hyperactive thyroid too. Additionally, I have been signed off for another two weeks.

I have seen the letter my doctor has written to Occupational Health. He believes that in 4-5 weeks I will make a full recovery. I like his confidence This is because before I have made a full recovery. It would be nice to get well and stay well really.

Had a long chat with Dad earlier. He thinks I need to be braver and stop avoiding things that are likely to trigger anxiety attacks. I see his point, but it is easier said than done. Just the thought of getting on a train makes me panic – but he says that “victim mentality” needs to stop – again, easier said than done. Knowing Dad, he is probably right, I just don’t really know how to put into action what he has said. He also said if I carry on needing to be looked after I will isolate myself, Chris will disappear and I will just be babyish. That was hard to hear. A lot of what Dad has said makes sense, it is just not as easy as he seems to think. People who don’t have an anxiety disorder don’t really understand how dominating it actually is.

25th July 2008

Well I went to the doctor this morning and am off sick for another fortnight and have been referred to a psychiatrist. Michelle – is that what you mean by “proper treatment”? I don’t know what else they can do really.

Had my church counselling yesterday. In hindsight, since I started the counselling my panic attacks have started to get better, although am still having them. We prayed against any bonds I still had with my ex and repented of all the promises I had made and things I had done and felt so good after. I felt at peace and cleansed, and released. It was a good feeling

Yesterday evening was lovely too. We took a stroll along Shoreham Beach, it was warm and peaceful, just gorgeous:

I’ve had two panic attacks today, not sure why I had either. Things will get better though, I have to believe that. One attack was at the doctors, probably because they scare me. The other was at Suzy’s. No idea why that set me off….maybe because she is anxious too and it was a bit awkward having a deep and meaningful chat as Chris was there….I dunno. I’m still refusing to give up though. God is slowly changing me. And maybe Chris is right, maybe God is making me stronger through this time so later in life I can cope and be a help to others? Only time will tell I guess.

24th July 2008

It is 9:08 in the morning and I already have something to say. I’m tired! I can’t believe how much sleep my body needs at the moment. Even my eyes are feeling the strain. I didn’t manage small group last night, I slept the whole evening. I fell asleep at 8.30 and Chris woke me up just under two hours later. He took me straight home and I went almost straight to bed, and slept from about 11 to 7, yet I have woken up still tired.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I had dreams that I throw a party that was a complete disaster, that I managed to maim myself, that Pete was attempting to get me back and that I was rejected and excluded  and given a really bad name and reputation.

Interesting news this morning, Suzy has also been signed off sick and had her meds increased to the same dosage as mine. I wonder, as does she, if we are both under spiritual attack? I think I’m going to delve into the Bible and my depression book this morning. Need to build myself up in God.

I have counselling today, my last session until September. Last time we were looking at defences against my panic attacks, don’t know what we will do today though. I have got the doctor’s tomorrow morning but am nervous about it. She is likely to send me to a psychiatrist, but what if she sends me back to work? I’m not ready to go back My panic attacks are still bad and I’m ill on top of that. I can’t cope with work. I’m really worried….