Bored & Fed Up

Haha story of my life at the moment. Just sitting around…waiting…
I still dunno what I will be doing for the rest of the year. Now my contact time at university has finished I need a full time job. Of course that is easier said than done considering I haven’t ventured back to work yet. I know I’m on holiday now instead of off sick, but I dunno if I’m ready for work. The idea scares me….And I’m waiting for other stuff too (I am trying to be patient…!), it is just hard.
I’ve been feeling so depressed recently too. Maybe it is because I’m a touch bored, but I just feel low, unhappy…just pants generally. I could happily sleep my time away – hiding in bed, sounds wonderful.
Although not sure I would sleep, I don’t appear to at night. I woke up every two hours last night, each time following a nightmare. This sucks. I’m amazed I haven’t slept this afternoon. I can’t believe I’ve gone back to being an insomniac. At some point soon I will just crash.
Urgh I just feel so crap. I could cry….

Signed Off Again

Yep, can you believe it? I’m off sick again for two weeks. Hopefully that will be long enough to get better. I should use the time to get on with university work really – however I have spent the time reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer – so good!
I’m having nightmares again I don’t know why. Lack of sleep isn’t making me feel good. My head is throbbing continuously. Oh, and the doctor told me the outbreak on my hand is eczema, yippee.
The panic disorder, lack of sleep and continual feeling rough is making me feel quite low. I could have cried for hours yesterday, and am not feeling much better today. Urgh I just want to get better. I want Chris to be here too, to look after me.

After Christmas

Christmas was a good time – for the most part. It was lovely spending time with the family and getting presents However I didn’t get any books Aw well, I quickly sorted that out and ordered a couple for myself! The downside of Christmas was the death at work. Katie, one of our favourite residents passed away suddenly in her sleep. We all had a good cry and she will be dearly missed. There was another death yesterday too, it is so sad.

My panic attacks are getting better Yay! My headaches are easing, although still present. Problem now is I feel so depressed a lot of the time. There is no reason for it I know, but that doesn’t make it better. Hiding in bed all the time would be fun but it won’t help, so I’m up, listening to an audiobook and getting on with university work. Going to work later too. Chris is making me walk to the station but the exercise will do me good and it is sunny

Well, must get back to me dissertation proposal. Only 700 words to go Hehe!

Studying

At least, that is what I should be doing! I’m just taking a quick break before I type up more notes. Popped into university this morning, now have my term paper title, just need to research and write it. I do have until about the 12th of January though, so at the moment I’m reading for a reflective essay. Yep, I have a lot to do.
Am on new medication, which seems to be working, yipee! However, it does give me constant headaches, and migraines some days, but I’m trying not to let them bug me. I haven’t had a panic attack in a couple of weeks though, which I am so happy about. I’m still fighting the depression though. Yesterday I was down all day, all I wanted to do was sleep or cuddle. I didn’t get to church or to see Lianne, but we did make it down to the Harbour to see a couple of ships. Problem I am having at the moment is I can’t stop biting my mouth, it is bleeding and hurts but I can’t stop. I don’t even know what is causing me to bite
It’s nearly Christmas! Yay! Just need to wrap my pressies and write the cards!
Work is great I love my job!! Making suppers for the old people is a fairly simple job, the people I work with are lovely and the residents themselves are very nice (well, most of them!). They can be naughty too, which is so funny! I love it! This was definitely a good move for me.
Right, must get back to work.

Depression

“Explaining anxiety and depression to someone who hasn’t experienced it is like trying to explain childbirth pains to a man”

What a great statement I heard on the TV this morning. And it does sum up the situation well. It is hard to understand anxiety and depression if one has not suffered with it. Which is why it is hard to explain that I have woken up feeling depressed and low. I do want to cry and go hide in bed. Instead I’ve had breakfast, had a shower and am now ranting on here in an attempt to avoid giving in. I don’t know why I feel like this but I’m not prepared to give in yet. I’m going to try reading my novel and then some university reading, even though I’m not in next week. There is no reason to feel like this I know, especially having had some great days this past week, but I do feel quite pants. Must just try and stay focused, keep fighting, keep praying, keep trusting God will make it OK.

Not Great Today

I have woken up tired, my eyes hurt and I have no motivation to do anything – not even shower. May have a bath to see if that relaxs me. I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally admitted to myself my greatest fear at the moment – which isn’t for sharing with anyone except God; and I finally admitted I don’t want to go back to Debenhams. I don’t know what it is, maybe a mixture of the building, the clutter, the noise, the people…maybe it is just a lack of passion for the place. I have had experience working somewhere that I love, surrounded by history, and that is what I want to be doing, not working in a clothes shop. I wouldn’t be upset if they said I’m not fit to work there, or the doctor signed me off again. I know that is the wrong attitude and that I need a job and that it is Biblical to work, I just want something new, something I have a passion for.

On top of that, my panic attacks are still bad and I’m struggling to fight my depression. I don’t want to let it win, but I feel tired, I have no motivation for anything and I’m crying so much – more than people realise. I should tell people I know, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’ve spent all week cooped up at home, long hours by myself. Yet the thought of social contact scares me, and I don’t know why. I know I won’t be judged, I know I can just be myself, but maybe that is where the problem lies, I’m not my greatest fan at the moment. I can find faults in most things. Am I isolating myself? Is this all my own doing? All my own fault? Probably. But I don’t know how to fight it, I don’t know how to reach out to people, how to get them to understand. I feel so alone.

24th July 2008

It is 9:08 in the morning and I already have something to say. I’m tired! I can’t believe how much sleep my body needs at the moment. Even my eyes are feeling the strain. I didn’t manage small group last night, I slept the whole evening. I fell asleep at 8.30 and Chris woke me up just under two hours later. He took me straight home and I went almost straight to bed, and slept from about 11 to 7, yet I have woken up still tired.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I had dreams that I throw a party that was a complete disaster, that I managed to maim myself, that Pete was attempting to get me back and that I was rejected and excluded  and given a really bad name and reputation.

Interesting news this morning, Suzy has also been signed off sick and had her meds increased to the same dosage as mine. I wonder, as does she, if we are both under spiritual attack? I think I’m going to delve into the Bible and my depression book this morning. Need to build myself up in God.

I have counselling today, my last session until September. Last time we were looking at defences against my panic attacks, don’t know what we will do today though. I have got the doctor’s tomorrow morning but am nervous about it. She is likely to send me to a psychiatrist, but what if she sends me back to work? I’m not ready to go back My panic attacks are still bad and I’m ill on top of that. I can’t cope with work. I’m really worried….