Bored & Fed Up

Haha story of my life at the moment. Just sitting around…waiting…
I still dunno what I will be doing for the rest of the year. Now my contact time at university has finished I need a full time job. Of course that is easier said than done considering I haven’t ventured back to work yet. I know I’m on holiday now instead of off sick, but I dunno if I’m ready for work. The idea scares me….And I’m waiting for other stuff too (I am trying to be patient…!), it is just hard.
I’ve been feeling so depressed recently too. Maybe it is because I’m a touch bored, but I just feel low, unhappy…just pants generally. I could happily sleep my time away – hiding in bed, sounds wonderful.
Although not sure I would sleep, I don’t appear to at night. I woke up every two hours last night, each time following a nightmare. This sucks. I’m amazed I haven’t slept this afternoon. I can’t believe I’ve gone back to being an insomniac. At some point soon I will just crash.
Urgh I just feel so crap. I could cry….

Today

I have woken up feeling horrible – mind you, I went to bed feeling horrible. I’ve been upset for about a week I guess. Even just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Actually, scrap that, I just want to cry anyway. What I really want I can’t have, yet everyone else seems to have it. And I shouldn’t go on about it, I just can’t stop thinking about it. But it will happen.

However, I did graduate this week:

It was OK, a bit boring but the people who had made my uni experience horrible weren’t there so it wasn’t too bad. Was a bit isolated though.

I have started volunteering again at Worthing Museum, which I really enjoyed. I love the museum. Although yesterday I was only doing admin jobs, I had a lot of fun and the curators are fighting over me!!

Induction Day

Well today is the induction day at university. 3 hours of being told stuff I already know. And yet I’ve spent the morning crying and panicking. I decided with Lee that if I had another attack I wouldn’t go, and guess what, I had another attack. And I have to drive, what a stupid idea of mine. I’m not really in a state to drive, but what can I do? Dad needs the car. If I tell him how I am he will want me to drive anyway to be a brave Adult Katie. But right now, that isn’t me. I’m sat here with my teddy crying. I’ve tried calling Chris but he must be busy. Do I need to go to a lecture on how to use the library, when I’ve been using it for years? Do I need a tour around campus when I’ve been round many times? I know this is a good time to meet people, but I’m not really in a state where I can do that right now. But if I don’t go people will be cross with me. However, my counsellor has told me that I have to do what I think is best. But am I hiding? I don’t think I am, I missed induction lectures at Greenwich and I’ll be in on Monday for the proper lectures. What I want to do is turn my phone off and hide. And yes, for a while that would make me feel better. I have to drive and take the car to Dad but I don’t know about uni. I have to do what is right for me and I’m not sure the induction lecture is that.

Just another day

Another day where I am struggling. As I type I’m trying not to have a panic attack. When did breathing get so hard? Today has not gone to plan. I hoped to get to the library this morning but the card didn’t work so I couldn’t get in, then I had a panic attack so I decided not to meet Aaron, then I had another panic attack, this time on the train on my way to Chris’ and it continued while I was in Tesco and I had one just before Chris got home for lunch.

….Wave of tears is coming over me….

I’m suppose to see Suzy this afternoon but I don’t feel in any state too. I don’t think I can cope with seeing anyone. When Chris’ flatmates get home I’m going to go hide in his bedroom. This is a really sad existance I’m leading right now.

Oddly enough, however, I don’t feel lonely, I actually want to be alone. I may feel differently tomorrow but right now the thought of company is making me anxious. I just can’t do it right now – what does that say about me?

I can’t decide if I’m going to cry or be sick, or both. I do not feel good right now.

The Weekend

Well it has been a mixed few days. Friday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was so low and lonely. I just felt horrible. I ended up going to bed in the middle of the day, not that it helped much. Saturday was a better day. I went out shopping in the morning with Chris and was upset by my height (not very tall) and the fact we couldn’t get me a bracelet, all were too big. It really upset me that I was just too small. Cheered up in the afternoon as we went to play Pitch-and-Putt. I’ve never played golf before, and well, to be honest, I was rubbish! It was a lot of fun though and I’m sure we will go more regularly. We then popped into Tesco and I got the nicest slippers and a new pair of jeans. However I’ve gone up a dress size and that then upset me. It is purely because I have been on this tablets which make me gain weight, and I’ve spent all summer inside reading because I’ve been too anxious to go out. Mum says it shouldn’t take long for the weight to drop off, but we’ll see. We then went for a walk along the seafront, and the tide was so far out we actually couldn’t see the sea. It was so funny, we lost the sea!! That isn’t something I thought I would say.

Today has not been so good though. I went to church this morning and again managed to get through the service however, I did have a panic attack in it, Ijust didn’t leave. I spent the afternoon at Chris’, but was even panicky there. I had a nap but that didn’t help. When it got to about 5 people arrived and it got very loud so Chris and I left. We went for a walk along Hove seafront and it was beautiful. The sun was out, it was warm and the sea looked gorgeous. We then came home and sat in front of the NFL, which I’m slowly getting into and enjoying. Chris has gone out for a curry now so I’m alone again. I kinda dread being alone. I don’t want to be alone, it makes me feel so low, scared and panicky. I don’t know why. But I will focus on reading/watching TV and I should be OK

Not Great Today

I have woken up tired, my eyes hurt and I have no motivation to do anything – not even shower. May have a bath to see if that relaxs me. I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally admitted to myself my greatest fear at the moment – which isn’t for sharing with anyone except God; and I finally admitted I don’t want to go back to Debenhams. I don’t know what it is, maybe a mixture of the building, the clutter, the noise, the people…maybe it is just a lack of passion for the place. I have had experience working somewhere that I love, surrounded by history, and that is what I want to be doing, not working in a clothes shop. I wouldn’t be upset if they said I’m not fit to work there, or the doctor signed me off again. I know that is the wrong attitude and that I need a job and that it is Biblical to work, I just want something new, something I have a passion for.

On top of that, my panic attacks are still bad and I’m struggling to fight my depression. I don’t want to let it win, but I feel tired, I have no motivation for anything and I’m crying so much – more than people realise. I should tell people I know, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’ve spent all week cooped up at home, long hours by myself. Yet the thought of social contact scares me, and I don’t know why. I know I won’t be judged, I know I can just be myself, but maybe that is where the problem lies, I’m not my greatest fan at the moment. I can find faults in most things. Am I isolating myself? Is this all my own doing? All my own fault? Probably. But I don’t know how to fight it, I don’t know how to reach out to people, how to get them to understand. I feel so alone.

Sobbing

I can’t stop crying. I feel so lonely. I realised if Chris and I broke up, I probably wouldn’t have a support group to help me get over it. Being isolated because of my anxiety/panic disorder has left me so alone. The only person I see regularly is Chris. But I have no contact with anyone from school, and only contact with one person from uni, but I’m never going to meet up with him and I have “superficial” friends at work and I don’t know why but all of a sudden I’m not hanging out with people from church – or even texting them or whatever. I feel so alone. I need a shoulder to cry on but all I’ve got is my blog and people online who I don’t actually know. I feel so sad, pathetic and lonely.

17th July 2008

Ever had days when you just want to cry? That is me now, and pretty much the past fortnight. I appear to be quite complex – or just difficult. When I’m alone I want company, and when I am with people, I want to be alone. I don’t understand. I’ve spent most of this morning and all of yesterday feeling panicky, and did in fact have a panic attack yesterday. I don’t enjoy it. And when my parents ask me about them, it is almost like they are accusing me, like it is something I do on purpose. And I worry that it is annoying Chris, who can’t really do anything to help me. Oh I don’t know. I just feel very alone as this is something that people don’t understand and can’t help with unless they have experienced it themselves. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I just want to get better…..