:-(

I thought the panic had passed. I think I was wrong. I’m in the library at university, trying to breathe, trying not to shake, trying to stay here. I’ve only been here 15 mins and already I’m on the verge of running away. I have such a trying day ahead of me, and I can’t cope. I’ve been praying, which is what got me here I think, and I know it says in the Bible in Jesus we can do all things, but I can’t even find that verse to meditate on. Crying, I would like to cry. There is too much pressure. I can cope, it seems, when I can do small things – like just go to work, but when I have to go backwards and forwards, go into a seminar that I don’t feel prepared for, and know even if I do more work I won’t be prepared for, then go to work, then back again, I can’t cope. It is too much. Maybe I do still need counselling…. I think I’ll give it an hour. If I still feel like this I’m leaving. I wish Chris was here…..

Counselling

I had counselling first thing this morning. As opposed to last week, I left smiling We spent the first half hour just chatting and my sleeping patterns, marrying Chris, houses, that sort of thing, then we got down to the nitty-gritty bit. We looked briefly at my panic attack diary and discussed the kind of attacks I have. This week the focus is on my posture, I have a “panic posture”, wherein I sit slumped with my head in my shoulders and we talked about how that would affect my breathing and she said I have chronic hyperventilation because my body is so used to panicky I am always taking small breaths. The aim for this week then is to practise breathing from my stomach and sitting up straight with my shoulders down and head up and straight ahead. Although it is hurting my back it does make me feel more confident and present sitting like that. We discussed how there is no problem with me being there and present because I am wonderful, and actually people do like me and if you don’t, well then never mind, that is your problem and not mine. Sitting up like this also means it is hard to take shallow breaths so I have to breathe deeply.

After counselling I went down George Street and did a wee bit of shopping. I needed to get my sister-in-law a birthday present so I bought her a grey scarf with tassles and thin silver streaks, it is really nice and so her! I did slip up though and bought myself a book. I got the new Jodi Picoult, Second Glance. I’m so weak! It was half price and I just could not resist. It almost jumped into my hand!

I love books. It seems that a lot are coming my way at the moment I have 2 bookring books expected this week and a review book, plus the one I bought today, the one I ordered for Rob that I’m going to read first and the book my parents (via Chris) got me. Means my To Be Read list is back up to about 51! I must put that list on here actually…

In fact, all I have done since getting to Chris’ earlier has been reading So much fun. Am reading Ten by J. John at the minute, a look at how to live the 10 Commandments in the 21st century. It is a good book, I’m proper enjoying it.

I do feel ill and panicky though. We have small group tonight but I don’t want to go. I just wana curl up with Chris, a cup of tea and a book. I’m so cold, my head hurts, my back and stomach hurt and I’m so sleepy. I’m not sleeping well again, and I had a panic attack earlier I know things will get better, but it is so hard. Keeping a positive attitude is difficult at the moment. I don’t want to smile, I want to sleep! But things will improve. I am making advances, big ones too. I managed work, I managed the train – I need to hold on to them thoughts and my attitude will remain upbeat.

Thank You Sarah

Thank you for my award, you have been such a good friend listening to me moan, so thanks. I just wish there wasn’t such a big pond between us.

Work was OK yesterday. My new line manager was in a bad mood but I just avoided her. She wasn’t happy that I was in 11-2 and not 4-7 – why would I want to work until 7 on a Sunday?! It kind of defeats the object of me getting used to being in the work place again if I’m there tiding up after the store has closed. :-S Well my supervisor changed my hours so Nat was not pleased. Never mind. I’m fine at work actually. I get a wave of anxiety but I go and talk to someone or go to a quiet part of the department to tidy up and so far that has worked. It isn’t even a problem on the till so I’m pleased. I’m hoping I’m like Michelle’s friend who can cope at work and sees it as an escape. We will see.

Today I feel a bit restless. I can’t sit still and one minute I’m all positive and upbeat and the next I’m curled up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. I don’t think it helps that I am really tired and am fighting the urge to have a nap. I was really active this morning, I did so much cleaning, but since then all I’ve done is wander around the house and read. I did try and watch a preach but I couldn’t concentrate on it.

Counselling starts up again tomorrow, which I’m pleased about. Will be nice after so many weeks without it.

I was a bit heartless this morning. Someone I have known for years came online and started on about how suicidal he is again. I say again because most of the conversations I have had with him over the years have been about how he wants to die. When he told me this morning I just said “oh right” and then signed off MSN. I know that seems horrible but suffering from anxiety disorder I feel I don’t really need to listen to him and make myself worry and also, I’m not convinced he actually is suicidal, I think he just wants attention, as he regularly plays this card and to be honest, I believe if someone was actually suffering they wouldn’t broadcast it. Just my view, but I now don’t know if I should feel bad that I didn’t talk to him?

24th July 2008

It is 9:08 in the morning and I already have something to say. I’m tired! I can’t believe how much sleep my body needs at the moment. Even my eyes are feeling the strain. I didn’t manage small group last night, I slept the whole evening. I fell asleep at 8.30 and Chris woke me up just under two hours later. He took me straight home and I went almost straight to bed, and slept from about 11 to 7, yet I have woken up still tired.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I had dreams that I throw a party that was a complete disaster, that I managed to maim myself, that Pete was attempting to get me back and that I was rejected and excluded  and given a really bad name and reputation.

Interesting news this morning, Suzy has also been signed off sick and had her meds increased to the same dosage as mine. I wonder, as does she, if we are both under spiritual attack? I think I’m going to delve into the Bible and my depression book this morning. Need to build myself up in God.

I have counselling today, my last session until September. Last time we were looking at defences against my panic attacks, don’t know what we will do today though. I have got the doctor’s tomorrow morning but am nervous about it. She is likely to send me to a psychiatrist, but what if she sends me back to work? I’m not ready to go back My panic attacks are still bad and I’m ill on top of that. I can’t cope with work. I’m really worried….