The Weekend

Well it has been a mixed few days. Friday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was so low and lonely. I just felt horrible. I ended up going to bed in the middle of the day, not that it helped much. Saturday was a better day. I went out shopping in the morning with Chris and was upset by my height (not very tall) and the fact we couldn’t get me a bracelet, all were too big. It really upset me that I was just too small. Cheered up in the afternoon as we went to play Pitch-and-Putt. I’ve never played golf before, and well, to be honest, I was rubbish! It was a lot of fun though and I’m sure we will go more regularly. We then popped into Tesco and I got the nicest slippers and a new pair of jeans. However I’ve gone up a dress size and that then upset me. It is purely because I have been on this tablets which make me gain weight, and I’ve spent all summer inside reading because I’ve been too anxious to go out. Mum says it shouldn’t take long for the weight to drop off, but we’ll see. We then went for a walk along the seafront, and the tide was so far out we actually couldn’t see the sea. It was so funny, we lost the sea!! That isn’t something I thought I would say.

Today has not been so good though. I went to church this morning and again managed to get through the service however, I did have a panic attack in it, Ijust didn’t leave. I spent the afternoon at Chris’, but was even panicky there. I had a nap but that didn’t help. When it got to about 5 people arrived and it got very loud so Chris and I left. We went for a walk along Hove seafront and it was beautiful. The sun was out, it was warm and the sea looked gorgeous. We then came home and sat in front of the NFL, which I’m slowly getting into and enjoying. Chris has gone out for a curry now so I’m alone again. I kinda dread being alone. I don’t want to be alone, it makes me feel so low, scared and panicky. I don’t know why. But I will focus on reading/watching TV and I should be OK

Monday

Not a lot happened this weekend. I’m off sick again *rolls eyes*. Although this did mean I was able to go to church Sunday morning and I was able to stay in the whole service and really met with God, which was amazing. It did make me wonder, like before, if God is still telling me to leave Debenhams? If I do, I can serve Him and meet Him in the meetings at church. I really don’t know because it would leave me with no money coming in, which is not a good idea really.

Got my loan form sent off this morning finally. Now praying they will lend me the money so I can study this year. I’ve been doing background reading the past few days and am really enjoying it

I’m not feeling well today. I slept very badly last night and ended up asleep on the sofa this afternoon. My head is pounding, my stomach bubbling away and I feel sick I’m suppose to be going to my small group leader’s house for dinner tonight but I also still feel panicky, having had an attack earlier, so what I really want is Chris to come to me and to sit cuddling him all evening. I’m definitely going to his but whether I make it to Nicky’s later is another matter.

Thunder Storm

I was woken up this morning by the thunder, it was so loud but so cool! I love thunder storms!

I’m feeling strange today. I’m still disagreeing with my medication, I’m exhausted and I kind of want to hide. I don’t know why I feel like this. Controlling the panic is definitely taking a lot of me, and I do feel panicky now. Its strange, I have a few good days, and then a few bad days. Today is a bad day. Maybe a nap later will help. I don’t want to go out tonight either but I’m running the bookshop at church so am needed. It is all a bit sucky really.

I did it!!

I decided to go to church in the morning today instead of in the evening because in the evening they turn down the lights and use stage lights and it is loud, dark and busy and that was setting off my panic attacks so I decided as I’m not at work, still, I would see if I could cope with the morning service, and I managed to stay in the whole service and not have a panic attack! It definitely helped having the lights on and blinds up, I didn’t feel so trapped and I could see people moving about so there were no nasty surprises – not that I think there would be, but my anxiety sometimes leads me to think anything strange might happen. And in the worship the Holy Spirit was moving and the message was don’t be afraid, even though it sometimes feels like God is far away, He isn’t and He will lead us out of our current situations. Along with that, I was reading Hebrews 3:1-6 and the final verse was about perseverance and how a true Christian doesn’t give up. I feel God is clearly telling me not to give up and that even though this situation is long and drawn out, He will make it all better and I will come through it and things will be so amazing after.

28th July 2008

Indeed, that is a smile! I had a lovely day yesterday. Chris took me to Highgrove and we had a gorgeous lunch and lovely walk around the garden. Got some nice photos:

That is the restaurant and here is a picture of part of the garden:

It was a lovely afternoon. It was hot and sunny, and I just love spending time with Chris.

We went to church in the evening. It was a really good preach, which can be found here. It is definitely worth listening too. I found it so helpful. It was good to get some fellowship with Suzy and Becky, as well as getting to know Rupert a bit better.

Talking of Suze, I went to see her this morning. We had a bit of a pamper session, which was lovely. It was cool to hang out.

I’m going to give work a call in a bit, see what is happening with them and Occupational Health as I’m in Portugal next week so won’t be around to talk to them. I don’t know what is going on or when I’m due back or anything, it is a bit annoying really.

It has been a few days now since I have had a proper panic attack, although I have felt very panicky. I think I am slowly getting better Lets hope it continues

27th July 2008

The sun is shining, yipee!

Good news, I managed to get up to High Wycombe for a wedding yesterday – yes we did get stuck on the M25, the nation’s favourite carpark, in that heat, and I managed to stay in the ceremony and for refreshments even though I was panicking. I also coped around Tesco and M&S, although it was about 8.30 by then, so I am making a slow improvement

In answer to your question Michelle, yeah I do use the CBT method with my counsellor, it seems to be helping. I’m reading up about it a lot too and seeking healing from God.

Today I think we are going out for a Sunday lunch and a stroll along the river, although only if it isn’t too hot, I’ll burn otherwise. We have church this evening too, where I will just sit downstairs and watch the video link.

I just played my flute, for the first time in ages, and loved it! Once I got it in tune it was beautiful. I need to play it more to help myself breathe more deeply – we think one of the reasons I have a constant headache is because my breathing has become very shallow from having a lot of panic attacks, so we are thinking if I play my flute loads I will sort out the problem. I really enjoyed playing it though

Well I have woken up in a brighter mood today, thank you Lord for all you do in my life, the fact I feel better than I have in a while and the fact the sun is shining. You are awesome God, I love you.

Here is to a good day….!