Counselling

I had counselling first thing this morning. As opposed to last week, I left smiling We spent the first half hour just chatting and my sleeping patterns, marrying Chris, houses, that sort of thing, then we got down to the nitty-gritty bit. We looked briefly at my panic attack diary and discussed the kind of attacks I have. This week the focus is on my posture, I have a “panic posture”, wherein I sit slumped with my head in my shoulders and we talked about how that would affect my breathing and she said I have chronic hyperventilation because my body is so used to panicky I am always taking small breaths. The aim for this week then is to practise breathing from my stomach and sitting up straight with my shoulders down and head up and straight ahead. Although it is hurting my back it does make me feel more confident and present sitting like that. We discussed how there is no problem with me being there and present because I am wonderful, and actually people do like me and if you don’t, well then never mind, that is your problem and not mine. Sitting up like this also means it is hard to take shallow breaths so I have to breathe deeply.

After counselling I went down George Street and did a wee bit of shopping. I needed to get my sister-in-law a birthday present so I bought her a grey scarf with tassles and thin silver streaks, it is really nice and so her! I did slip up though and bought myself a book. I got the new Jodi Picoult, Second Glance. I’m so weak! It was half price and I just could not resist. It almost jumped into my hand!

I love books. It seems that a lot are coming my way at the moment I have 2 bookring books expected this week and a review book, plus the one I bought today, the one I ordered for Rob that I’m going to read first and the book my parents (via Chris) got me. Means my To Be Read list is back up to about 51! I must put that list on here actually…

In fact, all I have done since getting to Chris’ earlier has been reading So much fun. Am reading Ten by J. John at the minute, a look at how to live the 10 Commandments in the 21st century. It is a good book, I’m proper enjoying it.

I do feel ill and panicky though. We have small group tonight but I don’t want to go. I just wana curl up with Chris, a cup of tea and a book. I’m so cold, my head hurts, my back and stomach hurt and I’m so sleepy. I’m not sleeping well again, and I had a panic attack earlier I know things will get better, but it is so hard. Keeping a positive attitude is difficult at the moment. I don’t want to smile, I want to sleep! But things will improve. I am making advances, big ones too. I managed work, I managed the train – I need to hold on to them thoughts and my attitude will remain upbeat.

Being more positive

Ya no what, all I seem to do on here is complain, so I need to stop doing that. Yes, I am ill, but my life isn’t that bad. It is too easy to complain and moan, and that is a dangerous thing, it can consume life and make me withdrawn and unpleasant to be around. James 3:5-8 says:

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil,full of deadly poison.

I think those words are so true, we must watch what we say and how we let words consume us. So I’m going to try to be more positive. Like I’ve said before, life is not that bad. I have a wonderful family who support me, a gorgeous boyfriend who loves me and wants to look after me and great friends, whether online or off, who are concerned about me and pray for me. Although I am unsure of what the near future holds, I got my 2:1 so am going to do my Master’s and the occupational health process is going, so what will happen about work will soon be sorted I’m sure. I even managed 10 minutes in the church service yesterday, not downstairs watching the video link, which is a huge step for me.

I have had a panic attack today, but Chris was there to look after me and I got through it. It isn’t nice, and I want to get better, but a defeatist attitude, like the one I had just the other day will not help me. I feel better today that I have done in a while, despite panicking. Things are going to get better, I will make a full recovery.