I have just sent my CV off to newspapers, museums and publishers in Sussex. Made the important decision that I don’t want to work in London the other day – although that does limit my options but will benefit me in the long run, can’t imagine that the commute would do my anxiety any good. Hoping it is fruitful. I want to work in research or history, but just need a career from September. My part time job at the moment won’t be suitable after I’ve finished my MA.

Already started re-working my dissertation. I can’t get it out of my head, which is frustrating!

Chris is viewing another flat tomorrow. We are still having no luck but we will keep praying, we believe God will provide for us.

Well we have quite a few more bits done:

- we have someone to do the address

- stationary has arrived, so we can print the invites

- we have a potential driver, woo!

- someone to do PA

- accessories for me and Wendy

- bridesmaid dress

- and most exciting: the honeymoon is booked! We’re going to Nerja, Spain for a week. Yay!

Well, getting married in 140-something days, crazy! We have so much planned already:

- date: 26th September
- venue: our church for the whole day
- caterer
- elder to marry us
- a registrar
- the guest list
- the invitations made up
- my dress!!!!!!!!!! (yeah, I’m a little excited about that!)
- bridesmaid – Chris’ sister
- ushers – my three brothers
- the finances sorted – thank you both sets of parents!
- duty manager
- photographer

And we have made decisions on other things, we just need to ask the respective people. Got a few things wedding-based planned for this week. Out tonight to ask a friend to be our wedding-car driver (and Naomi will be there of course!); we have an appointment at Debenhams to arrange our present list; we are going to the Wintermeyer’s to sort out who we will do Marriage Prep with and on Saturday Wendy, Chris’ sister and their Mum Hazel are coming across to look for bridesmaid dresses.

We are still house-hunting. Saw one in Shoreham we liked but there is an offer on it. Going to view a house in Portslade on Thursday. Had a drive round, the area seems nice and from the outside and the photos, the house looks good. We’re just praying that God will provide us with the right house at a good cost soon.

Had counselling last week – she thinks we are ready to finish meeting up now, yipee!! For a few weeks now for the most part I’ve been OK. Back at work, which is good and not panicking so much. Going to see the doctor on Thursday, will see what he says. Hoping to start coming off the medication. Actually, have run out of medication, slowly starting to feel ill because of it. But that is about all the bad news I have. It just feels great not beoing sad or panicky or ill all the time. I’m active and really having fun.

Well I have a list of good things that has happened:
1) My term papers have been sent off. Just need to write my dissertation, which is due in in September
2) I go back to work on Monday, after 5 weeks off. And will be there until September
3) Chris proposed!!! We’re getting married!!! I can’t believe it! This is how it happened:
We went out for breakfast this morning, then for a walk along the beach by Shoreham Harbour and he stopped and asked me if I wanted a present, I said yes, he pulled out the ring and asked me to marry him, to which I said yes! We’re looking to marry in September!

All of this has made me soooo excited!

I went back to the doctor today and have been signed off for another two weeks. My parents are going to be cross. They kept telling me I had to refuse a sick note. Not sure how to break it to them. I know they mean well but they don’t understand. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter that they don’t like it, I’m still off. I will do some praying before I speak to them I think. I’ve had my medication changed and increased as well, yipee Means I’ll be feeling rough for a few days but I’ll manage. I’m so grateful to Chris though for coming with me earlier, had to wait over half an hour, would have really panicked without company.

Watched an amazing preach today, Mark Driscoll’s Marriage and Women. The Marriage and Men one is really good too. I really think people should watch them both. They are really useful and practical. Controversial yes, but Biblically correct and well worth paying attention too. I would love to visit Mars Hill one day. Church was amazing yesterday too. Phil preached, there were 16 baptisms, and 20 people became Christians. God is so incredible

I’ve been really blessed in that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Naomi. She is fast becoming one of my closest friend. I’m spending so much time with her, she is really fun and easy to be around, and a good friend. We’re going to another friend’s house for dinner tonight which will be great, and tomorrow we’re off out with a different friend and on Wednesday and Thursday we’re going to the cinema and bowling respectfully. It will be great.

Had a lovely date with Chris yesterday I love him so much and love spending time with him. We went to a restaurant just along the coast, on the cliffs and it was lovely. The sun was shining and the sea looked beautiful.

Must get back to essay writing. My two term papers are due in on 20th April (day I go back to work). I’ve started writing one of them, am 800 words in. Only 4200 to go! Eek! Nah it will be OK, I just need to keep my concentration up.

Haha story of my life at the moment. Just sitting around…waiting…
I still dunno what I will be doing for the rest of the year. Now my contact time at university has finished I need a full time job. Of course that is easier said than done considering I haven’t ventured back to work yet. I know I’m on holiday now instead of off sick, but I dunno if I’m ready for work. The idea scares me….And I’m waiting for other stuff too (I am trying to be patient…!), it is just hard.
I’ve been feeling so depressed recently too. Maybe it is because I’m a touch bored, but I just feel low, unhappy…just pants generally. I could happily sleep my time away – hiding in bed, sounds wonderful.
Although not sure I would sleep, I don’t appear to at night. I woke up every two hours last night, each time following a nightmare. This sucks. I’m amazed I haven’t slept this afternoon. I can’t believe I’ve gone back to being an insomniac. At some point soon I will just crash.
Urgh I just feel so crap. I could cry….

Yep, can you believe it? I’m off sick again for two weeks. Hopefully that will be long enough to get better. I should use the time to get on with university work really – however I have spent the time reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer – so good!
I’m having nightmares again I don’t know why. Lack of sleep isn’t making me feel good. My head is throbbing continuously. Oh, and the doctor told me the outbreak on my hand is eczema, yippee.
The panic disorder, lack of sleep and continual feeling rough is making me feel quite low. I could have cried for hours yesterday, and am not feeling much better today. Urgh I just want to get better. I want Chris to be here too, to look after me.

Oh my word, I am in pain! My wisdom teeth are coming through, and it really hurts! Aw well, will just take some pain killers. Although mixed with period pain and my skin problem, it is no wonder my panic has been bad the past couple of weeks.

However, anxiety being so high means I have missed quite a bit of university, which is never good. One of my tutors wants to see me about it but I can’t make the time he suggested and he hasn’t got back to me *shrugs* so I dunno.

Spent yesterday in Fleet with Chris’ family. There was a mini party for his sister Wendy as it is her birthday this week. It was good to see them all. His parent’s flat is so nice! I’d happily live there!

Well I have decided what I want to write my dissertation on: How Brighton is portrayed in literature. Woo, more reading! Man I have an addiction….! Never mind, I don’t think it is a bad thing!

Ow, ow, ow, my mouth really hurts I’m going to go feel sorry for myself whilst reading an article for Wednesday’s seminar. Hehe if I get a lot done this morning, I might be able to just relax with Chris this evening and not do any work! Hopefully I’ll get some done at work this afternoon, I’ll just have to work quickly!

I’m currently sat listening to a teaching on Paul’s work in the Bible from http://www.worldwide-classroom.com/courses/. It is quite heavy going but it is good.

Had a hard working weekend. Did so much studying, which is good, but a bit boring. Chris did take me out for Valentine’s Day though. Got a few nice photos of us:


We had a lovely meal at a Mexican restaurant, mm!

I’ve been quite creative this past week too:

This week will be spent studying, going to work and uni and more studying! Fun fun!

On a good note- well, great note, I’ve not panicked for weeks, yipee!

OK, I am freezing. I cannot believe just how cold it is! Although it has been snowing, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m sat in the study trying to work – I chose this room as it has the least amount of distractions, and it is probably the coldest room in the house. Mind you, does mean I won’t fall asleep.

Was my birthday on Saturday – turned 22! Crazy. I do not feel that old! Chris’ family came across and we went to Brighton Marina and had a nice lunch. Didn’t do anything with my family. None of my brothers came home and Dad was at work. In fact, I am cross with my brothers – not one of them has sent me a card or a present. Grr. Makes me angry as they would go mad if they didn’t receive a present or if their wives didn’t.

I no longer work Wednesdays! Yay! That is a relief, means I won’t have the stress of having to get from university to work. I haven’t done much uni work this week – had no concentration to think of. Although it hasn’t helped that I couldn’t get the books I needed out of the library. Aw well, I will be in early tomorrow so can do some reading then. At the minute I will have to make do with Google! Am researching about Booker T. Washington and black segregation in America at the moment

Got work later – not motivated at all! Probably because I think it is egg sandwiches tonight – yuck! The poor residents. Well if they want it :-S I don’t understand why they would but hey ho! Need Chris to let me know how I am getting home from work later too – although trains are running many are cancelled and most are delayed. Just need him to text/email me. I am hoping he will come and get me!

Oh, and I hate the bank. Nearly crying but never mind.