Sad Katie

But only because I’ve decided to put down my book because it was very heavy in witchcraft and the occult. Never mind, plenty of other books to read.

I cannot believe how cold it is! It is only October – granted the end of it, but still! I am sat in my lounge, with the sun shining on me, in 4 tops! I am glad the sun is shining though.

So another morning of studying and then an afternoon of making suppers. In regards of university, I’m really enjoying it. There is an awful lot of work, I seem to already have pages of notes for every week, but I don’t mind reading and it is very interesting.

In terms of work, so far so good! I am enjoying the job and seem to have settled into it fine. Today they are having sausage rolls and beans or sandwiches…except I don’t think there is any white bread :-S That could be a problem. Pudding will be tinned fruit I think, so not too hard. It is all good. The people are really nice and it is 3 hours to prepare the food and an hour to clear up. The other day I managed it quickly so was able to stand reading my book!

I am still panicking, although none so far today. I had one on the bus yesterday so didn’t make it to the museum I needed to be OK to go to work though. I even managed small group the other evening, even if it was just a social. I haven’t cried for a few days but I have scratched my hand – although I didn’t yesterday when I was panicking, which is a good sign. Things seem to be slowly improving It is all good.

Should Be Going to Wembley

Sadly however, I’m not. I wouldn’t be able to cope with the crowds so have stayed home.

Things are not good. 4 nights this week I’ve cried myself to sleep. I have scratched my fingers until they bleed. My panic attacks are getting worse physically. And I feel horrible because I wish Chris hadn’t gone to Wembley, I wish he was here looking after me.

It is bizarre because I am back volunteering at the museum, I am working two afternoons a week at a job I am really enjoying so far, university is going well, I am serving at church….and yet I cry all the time and panic. I think I’m just going to sleep now

Today

I have woken up feeling horrible – mind you, I went to bed feeling horrible. I’ve been upset for about a week I guess. Even just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Actually, scrap that, I just want to cry anyway. What I really want I can’t have, yet everyone else seems to have it. And I shouldn’t go on about it, I just can’t stop thinking about it. But it will happen.

However, I did graduate this week:

It was OK, a bit boring but the people who had made my uni experience horrible weren’t there so it wasn’t too bad. Was a bit isolated though.

I have started volunteering again at Worthing Museum, which I really enjoyed. I love the museum. Although yesterday I was only doing admin jobs, I had a lot of fun and the curators are fighting over me!!

Thursday

I cannot believe it is Thursday already!

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried so much, then hid in my bed in the afternoon. I just felt so down, it was horrible. Hopefully today will be better. However, it has not started well. I did not sleep well. Every hour I woke up and then at 4am I was woken with the worst period pains ever, they hurt so much that even pain killers didn’t help. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I read and played on the internet. I have set up a site for my poetry, hopefully people will like it. It is just another way of expressing myself. However, I now feel so tired, and still unwell. I need to try and focus on getting some work done today though.

Good news, Liz may have some work for me! Yay! I emailed her yesterday just to see if there was anything she could do for me and she has said to give her a ring later, so I’m now going to pray that she can help me.

Depression

“Explaining anxiety and depression to someone who hasn’t experienced it is like trying to explain childbirth pains to a man”

What a great statement I heard on the TV this morning. And it does sum up the situation well. It is hard to understand anxiety and depression if one has not suffered with it. Which is why it is hard to explain that I have woken up feeling depressed and low. I do want to cry and go hide in bed. Instead I’ve had breakfast, had a shower and am now ranting on here in an attempt to avoid giving in. I don’t know why I feel like this but I’m not prepared to give in yet. I’m going to try reading my novel and then some university reading, even though I’m not in next week. There is no reason to feel like this I know, especially having had some great days this past week, but I do feel quite pants. Must just try and stay focused, keep fighting, keep praying, keep trusting God will make it OK.

In the library

OK I’m a wee bit bored. I’m trying to brain storm for my research project. I am thinking about looking at whether the leisure industry was affected by the depression in the 1930s so I have just been browsing the net for any answers! It is so quiet in here though I feel like I could fall asleep. The other problem is it is leaving me with just my thoughts and I’m very tired which is making me feel a bit down. I just need to try and stay focused and everything will be OK. And if that doesn’t work, give up and head to a cafe for a cuppa and to read my book! On the bright side, I am surrounded by books hehe and my lecturer says my proposal is very good and stands a good chance. I need a catching title for it though. At the minute I’m thinking “Brighton, Leisure and the 1930s“…hmm….

A New Week

Just sat watching Strictly Come Dancing, I love it!! Although the boy’s group dance was a bit rubbish.

It has been a good weekend. Went up to Gloucester to see Graham and Jo, and had a lovely time. We went round the Cathedral and to the Docks, it was warm and fun. My brother is so cool It was lovely seeing their new home and spending time with them. The drive was boring though! Both Chris and I had a great time.

My panic attacks haven’t been too bad this week. It has been really helpful having something productive to do. I’ve had a lot of university work to keep me occupied and it has really helped I think. I’ve had a few but not nearly as bad as they have been.

A load of books have arrived this week, yay! About 8 have arrived! So much reading to do It will definitely keep me busy when I’m not studying! Check out my really long TBR list on http://katemarsh.wordpress.com

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about work because the doctor still wants me off sick and I have such a bad medical record that I think people will be reluctant to employ me. Will need to do a lot of praying. Suzy and Becky prayed for me at church earlier, now I’m putting it in God’s hands and trusting him with the whole situation.

So far all this week has in store for me in university tomorrow. I’m sure that I’ll have a lot of studying to do though. It is all good.

It is really nice to feel good and positive and happy, makes a nice change! Here is a-hoping it lasts!

Ups and Downs

Yesterday: What an up! I started lectures yesterday, and unlike Friday I coped! The lectures seem really good and the people really nice. It properly exhausted me but was such a good day.

Today: Downer. I feel horrible. Cold and tired, got a headache and just feel so low. I wana cry and I’ve already had a panic attack. Yeah…hopefully the day will pick up a little.

The Evening

Well following my ramblings this morning I had a huge panic attack where I had to use a paper bag to calm down. In a not-so-good state I drove over to uni to give Dad the car and had a cry to him. He suggested I go and try, and leave when I feel really bad. However, I got across one campus but by the time I got to the station/bus stop I was late and I was still crying so I got the bus to Chris’, where I have slept all afternoon. I’m now more awake but not feeling much better. Need to get a strategy drawn up for Monday so I actually get there.

I’ve had an interesting chat with Lee though about God. I was able to tell him that I believe that the world is this way because humans chose sin, and now we are bound to it, but that God sent his Son to die and set us free. And that I believe religion is dead. There is nothing good about following rules when God is out there and wants a relationship with us. We just need to repent and accept him into lives. It isn’t about following rules, it is about having a true relationship with the living, loving God. I’ve found I don’t follow the rules because I have too, but because God has changed my heart and I want to honour him. So not having sex isn’t a problem for example because I want to please God and I know I’ll get complete satisfaction when I’m married because I’ve obeyed God and honoured him in all I do. And when I slip into sin, say getting angry or gossiping, I know if I repent my sins are forgiven because Jesus died for me to take my sin. It is a life-long process but God is changing me to more like him and it is so exciting.

Induction Day

Well today is the induction day at university. 3 hours of being told stuff I already know. And yet I’ve spent the morning crying and panicking. I decided with Lee that if I had another attack I wouldn’t go, and guess what, I had another attack. And I have to drive, what a stupid idea of mine. I’m not really in a state to drive, but what can I do? Dad needs the car. If I tell him how I am he will want me to drive anyway to be a brave Adult Katie. But right now, that isn’t me. I’m sat here with my teddy crying. I’ve tried calling Chris but he must be busy. Do I need to go to a lecture on how to use the library, when I’ve been using it for years? Do I need a tour around campus when I’ve been round many times? I know this is a good time to meet people, but I’m not really in a state where I can do that right now. But if I don’t go people will be cross with me. However, my counsellor has told me that I have to do what I think is best. But am I hiding? I don’t think I am, I missed induction lectures at Greenwich and I’ll be in on Monday for the proper lectures. What I want to do is turn my phone off and hide. And yes, for a while that would make me feel better. I have to drive and take the car to Dad but I don’t know about uni. I have to do what is right for me and I’m not sure the induction lecture is that.