Yeah…

How do I feel? Yeah… Not great. Already had a panic attack today I wana get better. I feel so low too. I just want to go hide really. I have errands to run on campus, and I just don’t want to go. I want to curl up and cry. But I’m not allowed.

So, counselling – I have to grow up. No longer can people control me. No longer can I be scared of letting people down and upsetting them. No more Baby Katie, who hides, sucks her finger and cuddles her teddy. That is easier said than done, when those three things are what I really want to do. So instead, we have angry Adult Katie. I know my counsellor is right, and I did do one good thing, I quit my job

I went to the doctor this morning. Need to try another two weeks with the tablets and counselling, otherwise off to the psychiatrist. I am signed off work again though, which means I never have to go back to Debenhams.

Right, back to job hunting. I’m looking for admin, data entry, filing type jobs in and around Brighton….anyone got any ideas?

Just another day

Another day where I am struggling. As I type I’m trying not to have a panic attack. When did breathing get so hard? Today has not gone to plan. I hoped to get to the library this morning but the card didn’t work so I couldn’t get in, then I had a panic attack so I decided not to meet Aaron, then I had another panic attack, this time on the train on my way to Chris’ and it continued while I was in Tesco and I had one just before Chris got home for lunch.

….Wave of tears is coming over me….

I’m suppose to see Suzy this afternoon but I don’t feel in any state too. I don’t think I can cope with seeing anyone. When Chris’ flatmates get home I’m going to go hide in his bedroom. This is a really sad existance I’m leading right now.

Oddly enough, however, I don’t feel lonely, I actually want to be alone. I may feel differently tomorrow but right now the thought of company is making me anxious. I just can’t do it right now – what does that say about me?

I can’t decide if I’m going to cry or be sick, or both. I do not feel good right now.

Unsure

I’ve titled this entry as “unsure” as that is how I feel right now, unsure about, well, everything. Unsure I want to sit and read; unsure I want to watch TV; unsure if I want to cry; unsure about if I am actually going to have a panic attack; unsure if I want a visitor later; unsure where my mood is. I just feel confused. I don’t know how to feel right now. I know I should be happy, but getting there is hard. I just feel like I don’t know anything right now. I’m all over the place.

The Weekend

Well it has been a mixed few days. Friday was a bad day. I cried all day. I was so low and lonely. I just felt horrible. I ended up going to bed in the middle of the day, not that it helped much. Saturday was a better day. I went out shopping in the morning with Chris and was upset by my height (not very tall) and the fact we couldn’t get me a bracelet, all were too big. It really upset me that I was just too small. Cheered up in the afternoon as we went to play Pitch-and-Putt. I’ve never played golf before, and well, to be honest, I was rubbish! It was a lot of fun though and I’m sure we will go more regularly. We then popped into Tesco and I got the nicest slippers and a new pair of jeans. However I’ve gone up a dress size and that then upset me. It is purely because I have been on this tablets which make me gain weight, and I’ve spent all summer inside reading because I’ve been too anxious to go out. Mum says it shouldn’t take long for the weight to drop off, but we’ll see. We then went for a walk along the seafront, and the tide was so far out we actually couldn’t see the sea. It was so funny, we lost the sea!! That isn’t something I thought I would say.

Today has not been so good though. I went to church this morning and again managed to get through the service however, I did have a panic attack in it, Ijust didn’t leave. I spent the afternoon at Chris’, but was even panicky there. I had a nap but that didn’t help. When it got to about 5 people arrived and it got very loud so Chris and I left. We went for a walk along Hove seafront and it was beautiful. The sun was out, it was warm and the sea looked gorgeous. We then came home and sat in front of the NFL, which I’m slowly getting into and enjoying. Chris has gone out for a curry now so I’m alone again. I kinda dread being alone. I don’t want to be alone, it makes me feel so low, scared and panicky. I don’t know why. But I will focus on reading/watching TV and I should be OK

Not Great Today

I have woken up tired, my eyes hurt and I have no motivation to do anything – not even shower. May have a bath to see if that relaxs me. I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally admitted to myself my greatest fear at the moment – which isn’t for sharing with anyone except God; and I finally admitted I don’t want to go back to Debenhams. I don’t know what it is, maybe a mixture of the building, the clutter, the noise, the people…maybe it is just a lack of passion for the place. I have had experience working somewhere that I love, surrounded by history, and that is what I want to be doing, not working in a clothes shop. I wouldn’t be upset if they said I’m not fit to work there, or the doctor signed me off again. I know that is the wrong attitude and that I need a job and that it is Biblical to work, I just want something new, something I have a passion for.

On top of that, my panic attacks are still bad and I’m struggling to fight my depression. I don’t want to let it win, but I feel tired, I have no motivation for anything and I’m crying so much – more than people realise. I should tell people I know, but I feel so lonely all the time. I’ve spent all week cooped up at home, long hours by myself. Yet the thought of social contact scares me, and I don’t know why. I know I won’t be judged, I know I can just be myself, but maybe that is where the problem lies, I’m not my greatest fan at the moment. I can find faults in most things. Am I isolating myself? Is this all my own doing? All my own fault? Probably. But I don’t know how to fight it, I don’t know how to reach out to people, how to get them to understand. I feel so alone.

Bible through a child’s eye

I just came across this on Bookcrossing and it made me laugh:

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand
what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been
invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked
some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would
be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Here is the link: http://www.bookcrossing.com/forum/5/5695404/6

Counselling

I had counselling first thing this morning. As opposed to last week, I left smiling We spent the first half hour just chatting and my sleeping patterns, marrying Chris, houses, that sort of thing, then we got down to the nitty-gritty bit. We looked briefly at my panic attack diary and discussed the kind of attacks I have. This week the focus is on my posture, I have a “panic posture”, wherein I sit slumped with my head in my shoulders and we talked about how that would affect my breathing and she said I have chronic hyperventilation because my body is so used to panicky I am always taking small breaths. The aim for this week then is to practise breathing from my stomach and sitting up straight with my shoulders down and head up and straight ahead. Although it is hurting my back it does make me feel more confident and present sitting like that. We discussed how there is no problem with me being there and present because I am wonderful, and actually people do like me and if you don’t, well then never mind, that is your problem and not mine. Sitting up like this also means it is hard to take shallow breaths so I have to breathe deeply.

After counselling I went down George Street and did a wee bit of shopping. I needed to get my sister-in-law a birthday present so I bought her a grey scarf with tassles and thin silver streaks, it is really nice and so her! I did slip up though and bought myself a book. I got the new Jodi Picoult, Second Glance. I’m so weak! It was half price and I just could not resist. It almost jumped into my hand!

I love books. It seems that a lot are coming my way at the moment I have 2 bookring books expected this week and a review book, plus the one I bought today, the one I ordered for Rob that I’m going to read first and the book my parents (via Chris) got me. Means my To Be Read list is back up to about 51! I must put that list on here actually…

In fact, all I have done since getting to Chris’ earlier has been reading So much fun. Am reading Ten by J. John at the minute, a look at how to live the 10 Commandments in the 21st century. It is a good book, I’m proper enjoying it.

I do feel ill and panicky though. We have small group tonight but I don’t want to go. I just wana curl up with Chris, a cup of tea and a book. I’m so cold, my head hurts, my back and stomach hurt and I’m so sleepy. I’m not sleeping well again, and I had a panic attack earlier I know things will get better, but it is so hard. Keeping a positive attitude is difficult at the moment. I don’t want to smile, I want to sleep! But things will improve. I am making advances, big ones too. I managed work, I managed the train – I need to hold on to them thoughts and my attitude will remain upbeat.

Blues on the Bus

I had to pop into the village today to post a parcel off to my brother and so because I’m having an extremely lazy day I opted for the bus. My justification for using the bus was I need to conquer the bus like I did the train, which I successfully did. However, I did feel very panicky and very alone. So so alone. Made me want to cry, and part of me still does want to cry. But I did it, I got on the bus and the stuff is off to London for Rob. I have to write my panic attack diary too, but I might leave that until later because that might set me off, it is so depressing, but needs to be done I guess.

Monday

Not a lot happened this weekend. I’m off sick again *rolls eyes*. Although this did mean I was able to go to church Sunday morning and I was able to stay in the whole service and really met with God, which was amazing. It did make me wonder, like before, if God is still telling me to leave Debenhams? If I do, I can serve Him and meet Him in the meetings at church. I really don’t know because it would leave me with no money coming in, which is not a good idea really.

Got my loan form sent off this morning finally. Now praying they will lend me the money so I can study this year. I’ve been doing background reading the past few days and am really enjoying it

I’m not feeling well today. I slept very badly last night and ended up asleep on the sofa this afternoon. My head is pounding, my stomach bubbling away and I feel sick I’m suppose to be going to my small group leader’s house for dinner tonight but I also still feel panicky, having had an attack earlier, so what I really want is Chris to come to me and to sit cuddling him all evening. I’m definitely going to his but whether I make it to Nicky’s later is another matter.

Trains

Well has been a mixed morning already. I went to the doctor and she signed me off again…oh dear. I’m now off work again for 2 weeks. I don’t think my parents will be happy as Mum said last night “don’t you dear get signed off”…oops.

On the bright side, I managed the train!! I have been avoiding it for months out of fear I’ll panic on it, but today I got on the train by myself and was fine! Yay!

Tonight I have some friends coming over for dinner. I’m making lasagne. It should be a lovely evening.