Thunder Storm

I was woken up this morning by the thunder, it was so loud but so cool! I love thunder storms!

I’m feeling strange today. I’m still disagreeing with my medication, I’m exhausted and I kind of want to hide. I don’t know why I feel like this. Controlling the panic is definitely taking a lot of me, and I do feel panicky now. Its strange, I have a few good days, and then a few bad days. Today is a bad day. Maybe a nap later will help. I don’t want to go out tonight either but I’m running the bookshop at church so am needed. It is all a bit sucky really.

Friday Morning

I know I’m trying to stay positive and up beat, but to tell the truth, I feel horrible. I feel ill, every time I cough I think I’m going to be sick, I’m tired – again another bad night sleeping, I’ve been crying on and off since I got back from the doctor and I’m annoyed. My computer doesn’t want to work so I’m on the family computer at the minute and I went to the doctor and even though the counsellor yesterday said I need a change of meds and the fact they make me ill, he didn’t flipping change them. I told him I don’t sleep well, I have a constant headache and feel sick after meals, as well as the fact I’m still having 3 panic attacks a day, but still on the same medication. I’m angry to tell the truth as I’ve had to spend £14 on medication that doesn’t work and have to spend the next fortnight feeling sick. And he gave me a lecture on panic attacks, what they are, why they happen etc, as if I don’t know, I’ve had them for 4 years. Urgh. So cross, and so close to crying again.

The Follow Up

I called work, and I start again in a week. From next Thursday I will work just my Thursday evening shift, which is 3 hours, for 2 months, and then in November I will start my Sunday shift as well. Saturday has been dropped completely, which is good because I’m starting uni soon and it gives me a full day with Chris, who works Monday-Friday 9-5. This is a big step in the right direction.

I was feeling really low and ill yesterday evening so I went on The Book Club Forum, and can I just say, they are amazing on there. I have made some really good friends and everyone is so supportive and friendly. Thank you guys for just being great.

I am still having panic attacks but I’m sure they will pass soon. Going to the doctor tomorrow morning, will see if he gives me any new meds or anything.

Chris is round this evening Apart from that there is nothing planned for the day except for my psychiatric review, which should be interesting :-S Will let you know how that goes.

Going to call work

I have decided that I am going to give work a ring in a minute and see if I can slowly start returning to work. I am going to see if from next week I can work Thursday evenings again – just a 3 hour shift….watch this space

I did it!!

I decided to go to church in the morning today instead of in the evening because in the evening they turn down the lights and use stage lights and it is loud, dark and busy and that was setting off my panic attacks so I decided as I’m not at work, still, I would see if I could cope with the morning service, and I managed to stay in the whole service and not have a panic attack! It definitely helped having the lights on and blinds up, I didn’t feel so trapped and I could see people moving about so there were no nasty surprises – not that I think there would be, but my anxiety sometimes leads me to think anything strange might happen. And in the worship the Holy Spirit was moving and the message was don’t be afraid, even though it sometimes feels like God is far away, He isn’t and He will lead us out of our current situations. Along with that, I was reading Hebrews 3:1-6 and the final verse was about perseverance and how a true Christian doesn’t give up. I feel God is clearly telling me not to give up and that even though this situation is long and drawn out, He will make it all better and I will come through it and things will be so amazing after.

It’s Friday

I’m finding it a little harder to keep smiling today. I feel lonely and sad. I wonder if it is just a reaction to my new dosage? I don’t know. I just know that I would really like a hug and a good cry.

I am still having panic attacks. I have had 2 today, I had 2 yesterday and I had 3 the day before. All bar one were at home. As I expected, it is going to be a struggle to conquer this. However, even though my mood has slipped today, I will not be defeated, I will win this war.

Another one!

Yeah I’m writing again today, you lucky people!

I’ve been thinking about my panic attacks and work again, and I think I understand now that instead of focussing being OK at work, at the minute I have to be OK at home. This might take a few weeks I know but I have to be alright and not having attacks here or at Chris’ before I can think about work. I now know that all the time I’m panicking at home, where I am safe, I will panic in public. My aim now then is to be better at home. Not sure how to do that, but I’ll find a way.

Its raining…

and I wanted to hang out my washing, never mind! It can dry indoors!

Haven’t blogged in a few days mainly because not an awful lot has happened. It has been a few days of reading and sleeping really. I have had moments where I have felt down, or when everything has annoyed me but I’m trying to remain upbeat. I am still having panic attacks but I’m trying to not let them knock me down. It is easier said than done and I’m still avoiding places like the pub because things like that are a trigger but I am trying to get back up and carry on with the day after an attack.

Have done a lot of thinking about work and am reading a Christian book about being in the work place called Thank God It’s Monday by Mark Greene. Work is something I have to do and although I have been off for a couple of months and probably will be off for the foreseeable future, I plan to go back to Debenhams and to stop looking for a new job. Chris is right when he says I can’t go to an interview and tell them I’m off long-term sick, it just isn’t done and I also think I have a mental barrier I need to conquer about going back. The other thing that has helped make this decision is timing. By the time I’m well enough to go back, I will be starting my Masters and will be stressed with that so I don’t need the added pressure of a new job on top of that. I have friends at work and a new line manager so things may be different and better when I go back.

I have also come to realise I probably shouldn’t have gone on holiday, however much fun they were because I need to pay for my uni course and spent a lot of my savings going away. Oops. I think I’ll have to get a loan, if the bank will let me have one to help pay. I need to make an appointment with them but there does not seem to be a local branch telephone number, I have to go through a national call centre, very annoying.

I’m in quite a bright mood today, long may it continue!! I don’t have anything planned, just reading like usual. There is no reason why this will be a bad day

Being more positive

Ya no what, all I seem to do on here is complain, so I need to stop doing that. Yes, I am ill, but my life isn’t that bad. It is too easy to complain and moan, and that is a dangerous thing, it can consume life and make me withdrawn and unpleasant to be around. James 3:5-8 says:

So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! 6And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. 7For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil,full of deadly poison.

I think those words are so true, we must watch what we say and how we let words consume us. So I’m going to try to be more positive. Like I’ve said before, life is not that bad. I have a wonderful family who support me, a gorgeous boyfriend who loves me and wants to look after me and great friends, whether online or off, who are concerned about me and pray for me. Although I am unsure of what the near future holds, I got my 2:1 so am going to do my Master’s and the occupational health process is going, so what will happen about work will soon be sorted I’m sure. I even managed 10 minutes in the church service yesterday, not downstairs watching the video link, which is a huge step for me.

I have had a panic attack today, but Chris was there to look after me and I got through it. It isn’t nice, and I want to get better, but a defeatist attitude, like the one I had just the other day will not help me. I feel better today that I have done in a while, despite panicking. Things are going to get better, I will make a full recovery.

Meh

Well, I didn’t manage anything today. I didn’t meet Ann or Pippa. I guess I will see Chris, but no one else. I feel awful. I’m letting people down, I’m letting myself down. I had to nap, but don’t feel any better for it. The smallest thing is annoying me. I hate feeling like this. When will I get better? Dad wants me to cling on to the fact the doctor has said I will make a full recovery. That is easier said than done when I struggle to see anyone, I feel tired, ill and grumpy. I don’t mean to keep complaining. Here are some positive things from today:

-The sun is shining

-Rob didn’t put the telly on when I was asleep in the front room

-I’ve read loads of my book

-God loves me

I must try and hang on to those I guess. At least I’m not hiding in a corner I suppose, just my house.