29th July 2008

My good mood didn’t last. I woke up feeling pants, and it has slowly got worse as the day has gone on. Even trivial things are setting me off. My hair won’t straighten properly and still looks a bit greasy even though I washed it this morning, so that has annoyed me. I called work. I have a new line manager, nice of them to tell me. No one knows what Occupational Health are doing or when I am due back – although it doesn’t help that managers have changed. They also gave my holiday time away, even though I booked it off. They better not call when I’m away because it is their problem/mistake not mine. I did everything right. And I called my good friend Jon. He is a bit depressed because he hasn’t finished uni, his mum has breast cancer and he is ill. Along with that, he told me that when I tried to patch things up with Kel – who hates me for something I didn’t do, she thinks I slept with her ex-boyfriend, I didn’t. He stayed in my flat along with my friend Gill so we were never alone – anyway, she has moaned and bitched about it. I know that is her problem but it has bugged me that I tried to make amends for something I didn’t even do, and that is the response I get.

I want to hide and cry. Grr…

28th July 2008

Indeed, that is a smile! I had a lovely day yesterday. Chris took me to Highgrove and we had a gorgeous lunch and lovely walk around the garden. Got some nice photos:

That is the restaurant and here is a picture of part of the garden:

It was a lovely afternoon. It was hot and sunny, and I just love spending time with Chris.

We went to church in the evening. It was a really good preach, which can be found here. It is definitely worth listening too. I found it so helpful. It was good to get some fellowship with Suzy and Becky, as well as getting to know Rupert a bit better.

Talking of Suze, I went to see her this morning. We had a bit of a pamper session, which was lovely. It was cool to hang out.

I’m going to give work a call in a bit, see what is happening with them and Occupational Health as I’m in Portugal next week so won’t be around to talk to them. I don’t know what is going on or when I’m due back or anything, it is a bit annoying really.

It has been a few days now since I have had a proper panic attack, although I have felt very panicky. I think I am slowly getting better Lets hope it continues

27th July 2008

The sun is shining, yipee!

Good news, I managed to get up to High Wycombe for a wedding yesterday – yes we did get stuck on the M25, the nation’s favourite carpark, in that heat, and I managed to stay in the ceremony and for refreshments even though I was panicking. I also coped around Tesco and M&S, although it was about 8.30 by then, so I am making a slow improvement

In answer to your question Michelle, yeah I do use the CBT method with my counsellor, it seems to be helping. I’m reading up about it a lot too and seeking healing from God.

Today I think we are going out for a Sunday lunch and a stroll along the river, although only if it isn’t too hot, I’ll burn otherwise. We have church this evening too, where I will just sit downstairs and watch the video link.

I just played my flute, for the first time in ages, and loved it! Once I got it in tune it was beautiful. I need to play it more to help myself breathe more deeply – we think one of the reasons I have a constant headache is because my breathing has become very shallow from having a lot of panic attacks, so we are thinking if I play my flute loads I will sort out the problem. I really enjoyed playing it though

Well I have woken up in a brighter mood today, thank you Lord for all you do in my life, the fact I feel better than I have in a while and the fact the sun is shining. You are awesome God, I love you.

Here is to a good day….!

25th July 2008

Well I went to the doctor this morning and am off sick for another fortnight and have been referred to a psychiatrist. Michelle – is that what you mean by “proper treatment”? I don’t know what else they can do really.

Had my church counselling yesterday. In hindsight, since I started the counselling my panic attacks have started to get better, although am still having them. We prayed against any bonds I still had with my ex and repented of all the promises I had made and things I had done and felt so good after. I felt at peace and cleansed, and released. It was a good feeling

Yesterday evening was lovely too. We took a stroll along Shoreham Beach, it was warm and peaceful, just gorgeous:

I’ve had two panic attacks today, not sure why I had either. Things will get better though, I have to believe that. One attack was at the doctors, probably because they scare me. The other was at Suzy’s. No idea why that set me off….maybe because she is anxious too and it was a bit awkward having a deep and meaningful chat as Chris was there….I dunno. I’m still refusing to give up though. God is slowly changing me. And maybe Chris is right, maybe God is making me stronger through this time so later in life I can cope and be a help to others? Only time will tell I guess.

24th July 2008

It is 9:08 in the morning and I already have something to say. I’m tired! I can’t believe how much sleep my body needs at the moment. Even my eyes are feeling the strain. I didn’t manage small group last night, I slept the whole evening. I fell asleep at 8.30 and Chris woke me up just under two hours later. He took me straight home and I went almost straight to bed, and slept from about 11 to 7, yet I have woken up still tired.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I had dreams that I throw a party that was a complete disaster, that I managed to maim myself, that Pete was attempting to get me back and that I was rejected and excluded  and given a really bad name and reputation.

Interesting news this morning, Suzy has also been signed off sick and had her meds increased to the same dosage as mine. I wonder, as does she, if we are both under spiritual attack? I think I’m going to delve into the Bible and my depression book this morning. Need to build myself up in God.

I have counselling today, my last session until September. Last time we were looking at defences against my panic attacks, don’t know what we will do today though. I have got the doctor’s tomorrow morning but am nervous about it. She is likely to send me to a psychiatrist, but what if she sends me back to work? I’m not ready to go back My panic attacks are still bad and I’m ill on top of that. I can’t cope with work. I’m really worried….

23rd July 2008

I think I’m going to cry. I don’t know why, I just have tears in my eyes and feel awful. My breathing has been bad all afternoon, one minute too fast, the next too slow. I feel ill all the time and just exhausted. I want to scream, stamp my feet and throw things, and I don’t know why. I feel so frustrated, I don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like such a burden and the spoil sport at the party because all I seem to do is complain. I have so much to be thankful for, I am a child of God, I have a great family and parents who still house me and let me drive their cars, a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and does everything he can to make me feel better and great friends who care for me and pray for me, yet it is so hard to hold on to these things when I feel so run down and isolated a lot of the time. Part of it is my fault, I fear being around people in case I panic – already I am worrying about small group tonight, being in such an intimate setting, even though those people are my friends.

…Now I’m crying…

I’m sure I didn’t use to cry so much, maybe I did, I don’t know. I was talking to Suzy yesterday about how even though life is good, we feel so depressed because we are always ill and anxious.

But this is me all over I guess…..just complaining again…..

22nd July 2008

Urgh. That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling.

I had an interview this morning, but it was a “practice” interview to make sure I’m a suitable candidate to be put forward for the job, so now I’m waiting for the “real” interview. It just seems a lot of palaver to me, especially as it took all I had not to panic about the one this morning.

Had Suzy visit me this afternoon. It was nice having company but discussing both mine and her problems stresses me out and now I feel glum. We were discussing how she needs to get out of her relationship and my job situation, which didn’t do too much to make me feel better. She suggested I stay at Debenhams until they basically force me to resign. What a lovely situation that will be. I’m sure God is trying to teach me patience, but I am finding it an up-hill battle. I’m not prepared to give up, but I do wish it was a lighter load.

I’m having the problem of not sleeping well and feeling constantly ill as well at the moment, which is making me agitated too. There are so many things to battle against, it is so hard. Sometimes I do wonder if I have the strength to fight all this.

I think I’m going to go lie on the sofa, that might help. Wish I had my teddy Piglet with me, he is always a comfort.

21st July 2008

I got quite a good night’s sleep last night, although was still having nightmares about fire and the like but I only woke up twice during the night which meant I woke up this morning feeling a bit better. That mood though, has only lasted until lunch time. I just went for a walk and found my thoughts straying to my work situation. The problem is, I’m still not well enough to return to work but Debenhams are about to stop paying me. Although that isn’t so bad, it is going to make saving for my masters a problem. I don’t really know what to do because I need a new job (have an interview tomorrow) but I’m still ill and I have no idea what occupational health are doing. I have that sense of being lost again because no one is letting me know what is going on. I know I shouldn’t worry because there is nothing I can do about it, but I am worrying and I just don’t know what to do. I suppose I wait until I see the doctor but it is making me anxious and panic a bit

18th July 2008

I’m having an up and down day. I’m exhausted so keeping bright and sunny is hard – especially when the weather doesn’t reflect my mood. I’ve done quite a bit today – drove for the first time on these tablets, which is fine, went into town, done some clearing up and re-arranging, some cross-stitch and loads of reading. Now I’m fighting the urge to sleep or cry, or both.

I still feel lonely but I guess it is normal as my anxiety has meant I am isolated from people. I do understand this but it doesn’t mean I like it all that much. I’ve been attached to my teddy Piglet today for comfort, at 21 that is a bit sad. I guess little things like that make me feel a bit pathetic. I have to train myself to ignore those thoughts, hard as it is.

I sometimes find it a bit weird writing down how I feel for the world to see – and I know it bugs Chris when I say “read my blog” when he wants to know how I feel, but I really struggle with voicing how I feel and what I want to say. The words are floating around in my heard and are on the tip of my tongue,  but I physically can’t say them.  Is that weird?  The only reason I’m on here  using a blog is because I can’t say how I feel. I just watched a Joyce Meyer ministry show about being confident, we have to act confident even when we don’t feel it – but how can I force out the words?

Do you ever look back to the past and think “I wish I was like that again, happy and carefree”? I find I keep doing that at the minute, even though I have nothing to be low about.

Starting to feel panicky, I can feel my breathing changing. Need to just take deep breaths. I feel bad that I always call Chris when I feel like this but I don’t know who else to call. I don’t want to burden him, don’t want to be needy and clingy. How do I break this habit? When will the depression and anxiety lift? I know he loves me and wants to be the person I turn too, but I often wonder if it will make him dislike me eventually as he will see me as annoying. Still fighting to control my breathing and not cry at the same time. Having panic attacks every day, when did life get like this?

17th July 2008

Ever had days when you just want to cry? That is me now, and pretty much the past fortnight. I appear to be quite complex – or just difficult. When I’m alone I want company, and when I am with people, I want to be alone. I don’t understand. I’ve spent most of this morning and all of yesterday feeling panicky, and did in fact have a panic attack yesterday. I don’t enjoy it. And when my parents ask me about them, it is almost like they are accusing me, like it is something I do on purpose. And I worry that it is annoying Chris, who can’t really do anything to help me. Oh I don’t know. I just feel very alone as this is something that people don’t understand and can’t help with unless they have experienced it themselves. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I just want to get better…..